🍁 Last Autumn, Little Butterfly 🦋

 We try to protect ourselves from pain, but one thing I’ve learned this year is that pain demands to be felt. It will show up in other ways if we don’t deal with it. So the biggest thing you can do when you’re faced with pain, or difficulty, or change, or conflict is to feel it. Please, don’t run from your feelings. Run towards them. Run within yourself. Meditate. Get in touch with your mind, your heart, your soul. Explore your wounds with your own feelings. Get in touch with the parts of yourself that are hidden from the world. Then slowly Heal yourself from within and try to open the door of your heart wide—embrace the pain and it will gradually fade over time. And you can go about your day without feeling sad anymore.

 

It turns out that the phase of losing interest in everything exists. This phase comes when I have felt all forms of life's wounds that come. such as love, spiritual life, successive failures and having to rise from something very tiring to start over. This phase comes when I am completely numb to everything. I don't know where to start, it feels very difficult. I need a slap to get my spirit back. I can only complain and cry when I'm going to sleep, but I always take the time to be grateful when I wake up. Oh my God, this is really tiring. I don't know what else to do. I really feel a lot of hatred for many people, I am not traumatized or in pain because of love but this time this feeling just comes. I really hate this situation. 

       Many times I saw you on the corner of the city in front of the place where you earn a living. Dressed in black and the typical hat you always wear. I don't know what was on my mind at that time, memories after memories appeared one by one in my mind rebuilding the illusion that made me happy. The illusion of deception that made me want to hug and meet you again. But it was only my illusion that wanted it. My logic asked me to not want to meet you in any possibility. 

  A week after i tried to end my love, i feel more and more longing for you and wanting you.  I feel like i want to be in your arms.  I wait for your call in the middle of the night and we talk until the rooster crows in the morning and that is our warning to stop talking, Everyday for a week we do sleep calls. i know it will make me and you depend on our love feelings.  I always thought you loved me very deeply and so did i. but i know we have deep trauma and are afraid to start a relationship. I losing you again and this time i disappeared because i read the sign from you that you aren’t ready to live, you are still shackled by your youth, and your happy times with the world aren’t over.  I knew this from the start. my heart always wants to stay with you but my logic says otherwise. again my relationship is not going well, i love you very much. but a month has passed i really feel lonely, loneliness kills heart. but i am used to the feeling that has died, so e...

 

   Growing up made me realize that being simple is calming, not following the world is fun, rejecting other people's wishes is okay, staying away from choosing to be alone and saving yourself from the wrong person is good for your mental health.  Everything that isn't destined for me and doesn't go according to my wishes is the best lesson in life. actually, failing a few times in life is okay. that's the name of life. right? as time goes by, all things change my perspective on life to be so simple and accepting all the realities that exist, that's maturity .  Not always being critical in looking at life and living it calmly is really enlightening. even though I only express it through words is the easiest thing to say and theory is not always as easy as reality, but believe me by simplifying everything and living life easily will help you lighten the burden you carry.  Everything will be fine and will be easy depending on how we respond to what is in front of o...

  YOU ARE AMAZING You are asking to follow your heart, you must listen to it.   You are searching for truth right now. You are searching for treasures within yourself, and you know there is no other place to look except yourself. You are exploring and developing yourself right now. You are developing your natural talents and abilities, and you are experimenting with many things. Some of us isolate ourselves as we recharge and not everyone will understand.   It is okay to spend some time alone for a while , but come back well soon! But you must remember don't be too hard on yourself. Think about how far you have come and how far you come. Things you thought you couldn’t handle, you can handle!!   Remember that certain people who have hurt you don’t deserve you. Remember to celebrate yourself, reward yourself, and congratulate yourself.  

 

 

    I'm tired of guessing what's in your heart, sometimes I want to be someone who can change your doubts into beliefs, is there a chance for me to be given a little trust that I'm the right person for you, I love you with all my shortcomings, I love you in my simplicity, do you believe that I'm someone who deserves good love. I want to get love without having to ask for it, I want to get love without having to beg with tears. I always forcefully stop my love when I've shed tears for it, because I know that later the tears will continue to grow and complicate my life and that means everything will end badly, I'm too afraid of damage, I'm too afraid of separation when the tears have accumulated so much that they can't be stopped. I always fortify myself with belief, so tell me if you really believe in me. Don't be blurry like this, I can't read your signals well, be honest so that I understand.

    Such great hope when you reappeared in my darkness, after 2 years had passed and I knew you had also gone through another story, but finally you chose to come back to me, I don't know the purpose of your arrival this time. What I know this time is different, you came with a gentleness that was able to deceive me, the way you came back so smoothly made me have hope for our story that had stopped, I was just about to start and put together our story well, and fix the story that was broken. but it seems like your goal is not me, what you want is no longer me, I don't know what you want, but it seems you are so lonely, but you seem to love me so much. but it turns out your love is just a poison that will destroy me in the future. I consciously accept the poison with a warm heart and the love that I give so much. I don't know.. I can't guess the future, I can't know where time will take my heart and of course I will give it to someone who is worthy and ready to accom...

 I have to forget you, I have to go far away from you, I have to get out of your future plans. why do I want to get out bcs I don't know what my role in this story, you confuse me, how can it be that if you love someone then all you do is confuse them. loving you really hurts. ''But how can I forget you while your scent is still clearly embedded in me, how can I forget you while your voice is eternal in me.'' Your tenderness never goes away, I'm happy to be close to you, I'm happy bcs my goal is no longer obsessed to having you then I choose to stop following your game, I'm tired bcs I'm not here to entertain you, I'm here to save myself. you really confuse me when you put me on the list of future plans with your family and friends but your behavior doesn't show it, you lock me up you make me unable to make a choice, this is really confusing and makes my head hurt. when I meet night comes morning every day repeats like that it feels like this...

 What I just understood about love in adulthood is that when loving and letting go of a man who is not your destiny is indeed 100 times more painful than before because your adult love expects too much which in fact when loving expects something, you know it will not go well because its consumed by the hope itself.  And now I realize that hope is a lie, hope is an illusion of self that will hurt yourself in the future.  While hope doesn’t fulfill you then the wound you get.  In your adult love when destiny isn’t on your side what you have to do is let go and accept it, the pain is indeed multiplied but this time because you use more logic it will ease the pain that exists. And the bonus is you can recover quickly.   What I see now is that it turns out that women can let go sincerely when they are in the most loving state, letting go and letting the man she loves choose to pursue his dreams, even though it might be just an excuse for the man to separate from...

 

 The reason why i can fall in love this deeply with him, i fell in love with him when i didn't want to fall in love with anyone, he came back when i was in a numb phase, he was the one who brought back the feelings that had been lost and made me believe that he was the one who would always guide me in the future, but falling in love with him again was beyond my reach, i never knew this feeling would come back because of him, his love made me believe again. to the point that i asked for certainty from him i thought he and i had become us again, in fact i misinterpreted his attitude and feelings. although until now i am still confused about what happened, again i’ve to let him go for the second time, and this really made me feel nothing, the most painful pain until i lost my feelings. next i will live my life happily, while waiting for what other surprises will come for me in the future. 

 God, if it is indeed destined for me, then bring him closer, remove his fear, remove his doubts about me, remove his restlessness that he has felt all this time, calm his heart, make his body healthy, give him the happiness that he deserves, because he deserves to be happy. And after that, after he is done with himself, please bring us back together in good condition, in a condition where he is no longer afraid and has no doubts about things that have not happened in the future.  Give us the opportunity to go through it together, go through all the joys and sorrows together, I am always ready if I am with him, if he is the one.  Losing him made me realize how much I love him, but I don't want to force my will in loving him anymore, I will wait for him even until he is ready to love me again, I will wait for him in my prayers. But God, if he is indeed not destined for me, let go of the pain that I am experiencing now, losing makes me destroy all the plans that I have buil...

 I never thought losing someone again could ruin the plans that I had made so well. This incident was really beyond my reach, how could this happen, how should I continue my life. How could this plan that I had made be destroyed because of things that I never expected to happen in my life. I have to fix it immediately, I have to continue my plan well, but right now I really don't have the energy for that. I really lost my mind, and I'm stuck and can't do anything, my mind is in chaos, my days are very gloomy, everything is tightly closed my brain can't think clearly, I stopped all my plans, I turned on my emergency lights, this was an unexpected incident beyond my plan, I'm in pain, this loss destroyed everything, I will slowly rebuild my plan that has fallen apart, help me fix it, I really need you, I don't know, I can't think properly. everything is destroyed, everything has been destroyed.

 I don't know where to start tidying up everything that's broken and messy, my decision to meet him and choose him to be the last in my life turned out to be wrong, why this time my guess wasn’t right, everything became a mistake and became a regret. If only I hadn't met him at that time, then hope would never have existed, and the meeting would never have happened. I really swear this is the most painful love compared to my relationship that has ended for 5 years. Because in my relationship this time he is really a softest man with everything he does. I never had a feeling he would be bad to me, in fact it never happened, he was always sweet when he was with me. This time, What I have to do to heal my heart that has just recovered from old wounds. This is really painful, while it seems like the universe is celebrating my suffering, every day after I let you go, the rain has never stopped drop for the past few days. also for the past few days I have been waiting for news fr...

 Now I know not all relationships have to end beautifully, nor they have to end up together forever. Sometimes someone come into your life and in your story to show you what is right and what is wrong. He come to tell you what should have happened and teach you lessons for your future. He came to teach you to love yourself more. So just take the lessons from your story right now, enjoy your moments together, but when the time comes to say goodbye, and he want to go. Don’t ever hold him from leaving. Just let him go. *** Like now i’ve let you go…  Now Even though I’ve lost you, my goal now is no longer about LOVE, but I will focus on myself, fix what’s wrong, make myself better, make myself more meaningful and worthy of the love I want, I will focus on working hard and achieving my DREAMS, I will show you that I can always do it even without you by my side. And i swear you’ll regret not choosing me as the person who loves you so much. but if we have the chance to be meet again,...

   And what makes me even crazier is when I check on you and look you are still active on your social media even until 3 am, I feel like wanna screaming, I feel like getting angry and want to cursing you, but you know I'm not that kind of person and can't even do that to you. I’m just can't still believe you can make my heart broken like this, but I don't feel strange that even a softest man like you is able to do something like that to save your big fear, you’ve made me even more devastated bcs I can't make you come back and fix everything, I hate everything that happened, I still think about what are you doing and with who, you are talking to? I am jealous of the blurry things in front of me that don't even necessarily happen, I hate guessing this all, I hate missing you, I also hate that the reality is clearly not me the girl who is your goal. It really makes me feel worthless but after this I will fight tooth and nail to recover my wound, Even though I have ...

I think I really deserve your love, what exactly makes me not worthy of your love? Why don't you asking me or talk about it, so we can fix the mistake we made, or fix the way I love you, and the way you love me, if my opponent is your complicated mind and your fear of things that haven't happened of course I will lose badly. But we are here and we are meet again, shouldn't we fix what didn't go well in the past, right? Why don't we talk about it, why did all you do was give me that hope, why after everything that happened to us, you said  easily "no". really makes me look like a dump girl, I really want to scream and regret it for making the wrong decision at that time. and after everything I realize I don't really know you completely, bcs none of what I think about you is true, then if your friend says he is surprised bcs you contacted him at night and told him about our story at night. then i’m also surprised by your answer that really broke me. Why ...

  And the funny thing is i still see your last seen on WhatsApp, on your social media, i still do that shit check what are you doing, or are you okay without me. it hurts me so much because i still hope you text me even just once to ask me,  are you okay, i’m sorry for yesterday I did to you or just text me hey i miss you, i love you, i want you back and i need you till the day i die. Haha ​​i know its just my crazy fantasy. but i hope my fantasy come true. see I almost crazy because i miss you badly, like i can’t breathe well, eat well, sleep well. while i miss seeing your sleepy eyes . its crazy because i still feel your smell, my breath into your body, your hand touching mine. and i always wear your clothes because your scent still on there. the last, i hope you feel the same way i feel. even just once in your sleep i hope i am in your dream. Eh wait no, no just in dream, what i want is you back to be mine. *** But waitttttt! I don't know what I’m talking about, but what i...

 On the way to your place, you know I almost left bc I knew what would happen next if I met you. but somehow my steps continued to be directed at you hard without stopping at all, my doubts disappeared my courage peaked bc I would meet my beloved. the welcome from your sweet smile really touched my heart, the way you talk, the way you calm me down when I'm jealous, you're not a man who talks a lot, but you do a lot without me asking without me saying what I want. that night we chatted spending time until morning with light chat to heavy chat, I told you about myself and you told me about yourself, how happy that time was in my life. we drowned in time without realizing it was already 6 am, you woke up from your sleep after being tired of our conversation, and suddenly I complained that my stomach felt so nauseous, besides he felt the same way, he offered to make me tea that would relieve my nausea. a simple thing right, but I really felt his love at that time. I never thought t...

About that guy__   I like his sleepy eyes, I like his shy smile, I like the way he looks at me, that firm gaze I really like it, after the first meeting after the separation 2 years ago, my heart never let go of his shadow, why do these things keep happening to me, I always misread the situation, my guess is no longer right, when I think it's love, but not with that person. again and again I think he is never bad, what is bad is my excessive expectation that expects love from him. but I feel the vibration of his love reaching my heart but he hides it, and I don't know why he acts like that and why it is so complicated if he really loves. this hurts but makes me okay. because I have known a good way to overcome this misfortune. 

  You know until now I'm not angry and don't hate your actions at that time, now I just live my life as usual, even though this time it was really a heavy loss for me, bcs I had to fight alone to forget you and I actually didn't want to do it. but I won’t be selfish, I try to forget what happened and accept the fact that everything is over. I was never angry with the decisions you made or I made, I was just disappointed why it seemed like I always deserved to feel pain, did I not deserve the love I wanted ? when I was ready with all the circumstances that would happen in the future and I wanted to live it with you, luck wasn’t on my side, after that day on the way home I was so happy because yes I would start a new story with the person I love. but circumstances said otherwise fate turned me back into the saddest person right now. I regret it again and again blaming myself for what happened. I don't hate him, on the contrary I hate myself and always question my worthine...

  My heart is broken - so broken that it will never be whole again. this is too painful, i just realized how meaningless i am in his life, even with the person i consider important, i am just a small part in his life and even if i leave, he will still be fine. i realized because all this time i misinterpreted his love for me, I  always thought it was love, because whatever form of love i wanted, he always gave it. but in the end i knew that all of that never meant anything to him, and he never loved me. God after this, please win my story, I even want to be the goal of someone I love. i think some losses yesterday were enough to be valuable lessons for me, then after this gave me what i deserved God, i am so scared that i doubt my worth because of yesterday's incident. i will close this story even though for me this story never started, but i’ll started it sincerely and lived it meaningfully. and finally i will erase you from my good plans. let's go through this separation we...

 I have a question about the value of my feelings. In the relationship I'm in now, for some reason I'm still numb, am I doing all this wrong? With a heavy heart, it seemed like I was making a fool of myself and without realizing it I would hurt him again and again. Maybe I'm doing this because I need someone to talk to? How evil if that were true. I'm lonely, I'm in pain, I keep feeling like I've failed in this life, why in my life is only once, several times I have to bury my dreams deeply just because of problems that are not my problem but I have to be responsible for those mistakes. I was so tired, so sick, everything was connected without me realizing it. I got hurt again and again, but on the other hand I also hurt his feelings. God, please give me the best way to solve this never-ending problems.  If indeed he was created for me, please remove all doubts in my heart and his. If he is destined to be my companion, please soften his heart so that he focuses ...

      S ulking about love that can't be reached, how the feeling of love exists even though he doesn't know I exist, how do I convey this feeling of love, how can I make him connect with me and I can perfect this love that is mine. I wanted to run away but what if I regretted it without having time to express my feelings, my love for him was so deep even long before he had a lover, my heart hurt until it broke when I found out he had someone I never knew about. my thoughts were someone I knew, I felt I changed suddenly and I wanted to bury it deep without telling the truth. Really, the feeling of love makes me devastated, I don't want to know love anymore, it feels very sad, especially if my love falls and isn't reciprocated, how unlucky I would be.

  I found myself who hasn't yet found what my heart really needs, who knows where the footsteps of this heart will actually go? I hope for him because I love him so much or I just feel lonely ? On the one hand, the people around me are worried that if I am alone for too long, I will have to awaken my long-dead love cells. My confusion gets worse when things frustrate me and don't go according to my plan. but this time I surrendered and entrusted my destiny to God, and yes my destiny must have been made by God, but I am still waiting for his decision, what will it be like? and how much longer will I wait for things that are still a mystery in my life's journey. God, how long do I have to patiently wait for my part? How long do I have to accept that my time is not now, sorry if this is the only instant answer I get, but I think I have fought very hard to get to the present stage. but if you think I haven't, I will wait, but make my wait a very beautiful wait, I really hop...

    Now he is silent again, silencing the voice of his heart which can never be predicted and understood by my common sense, my logic is looking for the right way to be able to speak to your heart which is so complicated, your mind which is so difficult. I don't know where else I look to chase your love that I can't reach, like the footsteps I follow and when I land I will never be able to merge with your shadow. As if we were never together, you just passed by like the wind. I don't know what method to use to restore my heart which is no longer whole, it's so painful to live my own story without you. Will this pain continue to accompany my dark path? Will you meet me again after your long adventure? it's really confusing and makes me in pain, again love traumatizes me to no end, so what kind of love will I get in the future? I always wait for happiness to come in my darkness that never goes away, but once again I still hope for its presence without time limits. stu...

   For the current situation, I just surrender to God for what will happen next in my life. After a long adventure he finally decided to go home. I also don't understand much of what he says, the contents of his thoughts are so difficult for me to understand, right now I prefer not to know what's in his heart, because I feel very tired of following his instincts which are very slow, that I can't keep up with him, to a man of mature age like him. , is he just pretending to be insensitive and pretending to be stupid? I really want to know that, so that I can take a stand about what I should do after finding out whether he really loves me or not. then tell me the truth so that I don't get confused at this time. but again I discovered something new in him, I thought he was a man who could adapt quickly, in fact after we had been together for a whole year he still needed a little time to get to know me and understand my feelings. I mean, what the hell is this? this is no lon...

 Tonight the moon appeared perfectly round accompanied by your presence again after 2 years of being away, but I just think that he remembered the way home, for real he didn't forget. but after he traveled for 2 years 708 days, 17,520 hours, 1,051,200 minutes and 63,072,000 seconds. Why does he look back at me as if he wants to go back? I thought, have you not found the exact woman you want? I don't know after this short meeting tonight. there are so many questions that I haven't asked after I didn't get the chance to ask him before. but the answer to my longing was paid off tonight, with your presence even if only for a moment. question 2 years ago finally found the answer. It's really evil, I think he's a jerk who is just playing with my feelings without knowing that there is something actually bothering him, there is anxiety that he is hiding. After that night I realized that something was wrong with him, everything was going so slowly following the flow acco...

      It all started when you wanted to be with me, when you wanted to get to know me again, you just kept trying to win my heart, but I always gave you disappointment. But As time goes by, your persistent heart finally melts me with your tenderness. you are so sweet, so considerate of me. and I don't think there was a single feeling of disappointment when I was with you. You always give a good impression, you always make me happy. but I don't know what makes me so doubtful of you, of your love. even though it's real you're a good man who is so gentle. and finally I looked for the root of my doubts, the root of the problem. Then I found out, it turns out it all started when we first met which made me so doubtful about life after marriage. It started when you brought someone you shouldn't have introduced to me and I shouldn't have known about it. And how can you very calmly to introduce her to me. Because that made me think again about which decision I should tak...

Why did you make me the worst girl in this story. In fact, in your tenderness, you are the one who gives more lies to our relationship. You always play with your gentle character, you always play pretty behind my back. I was stupid for always trusting you.  Without realizing it, I cried after finding out how you really were , all this time I was deceived by your gentleness. I really hate betrayal and you know it. What I regret is why this is always in the circle of my life. Did you know that this pen always accompanies me in any situation, from when I wrote back the story about our meeting and about your soft heart, to when I started to find out about the betrayal you gave me. This pen is a witness to my life, in fact, life with you isn't always easy, that fate has taken me away. I still have a long way to go to be with someone like you. I am well aware that this is no longer my time, I try to accept that you no longer love me but still I have to thank you, for me you are still my...

 When night fell accompanied by the sound of raindrops, without realizing it, my tears were falling, so I started crying because this was the right time to disguise all the sounds of my tears. In a dark corner of the room I deliberately turned it off, because I was busy crying and my painful sadness suddenly attacked me. In the silence of the night at that time, mom suddenly came into my very dark room, she was a little aware that I was hiding something, then she was about to come back out. but after that she occasionally returned to my room, coming and going to see my condition, which I am sure felt a gentle pang in his heart.  I was so amazed at how strong a every mom's feelings were and without me telling her, she knew that I wasn't doing well.  Without asking, with mother's soft and calm footsteps, she returned to my room carrying a glass containing a cup of my favorite tea. Then she came back without saying anything she just smiled and stroked my shoulder until her s...

For me, happiness is not to be sought or found but to be felt, owned and grateful for yourself. My experience  to find happiness, the more I looking for happiness, the greater the suffering I get. The more I obsessed with happiness the sadder I felt. The more I wait for happiness to come, the more I am swayed by circumstances and hesitate in living life every day and of course the further I am from being happy, I am exhausted, I am in pain, I want to be happy but I never find it even though I have tried hard to find it but still can't find the answer.    As time goes by I throw away that hope, I become more sincere in living this life, I am grateful for what I have now, I live my day with full of smile, I am no longer obsesses looking for happiness, after this what I get is real happiness, it turns out the answer is Happiness comes from living with the simplicity that I live every day. and now when I wake up in the morning my chest is no longer tight, the morning dew no l...

 It hurts to have feelings like this, I'm tired, because I feel a type of pain that I don't recognize, the exact cause of which I don't know: right now I want to give up but your words actually make me peaceful, make me want to fight even more, when I want to give up you save me I. and I want to be a beautiful writer like you who really inspires and even motivates people around you. Even though I don't know what things you have gone through difficultly, you have gone through it well, and you have managed to heal many wounds, save many souls with your beautiful words, your words of peace. About Me; I don't know why this feeling of pain exists, to be honest, maybe it's because I don't know where fate will take me or what kind of person I will become. and I haven't found the answer until now. On the other side, once again you saved my life. Thank you, but how surprised I was, even just a word can makes a person fall in love, it's really scary, isn't...

 The day when other humans have reached their peak, but I have to go back from zero to start everything, Start a new page with all the possibilities that will happen in front of it that I never knew about and will always be a mystery until the end. Honestly, I'm very tired, when I woke up again in 2024 every day until now I still say ''I'm tired, I'm tired I'm so tired'' I have to go back and start everything again, I'm confused and don't know where to start. but I'm sure this is the test of my life, this is the part I have to go through. I'm sure fate will take me on a better path after this.      But I always have questions. Will good things come to my life? be on my side? Will my patience will pay off? But once again, I always believe that my destiny will always lead me to good things, but it's just that the process is a bit slow. Many times I healed my chaotic thoughts with words that always reconciled me because that way I remain...

   

  How do I explain it, just to describe my feelings, sometimes I still have difficulties, Now I don't recognize my feelings, where this old heart ‘ll take me, where will this feeling take me while there is a soul that hasn’t been touched by feelings for a long time. My current situation makes me confused, I'm waiting where fate will takes me. To be honest, I'm tired of believing in fate. But once again I will believe after I failed in my first hope, the funny thing is that now I'm not young anymore but I still talk about feelings and love, that's embarrassing isn't it? but what exactly should I be ashamed of. Even other people who are much older than me still love many people, and even their start journey of love. And yes, this is my path, so I'm just enjoying it. If I see other people luckier than me, I just calm myself and make my heart calm with "It's okay if your happiness is a little late, maybe you have a slower time than others, maybe your ro...

  I will always love him a little, but he has stopped loving me. It turns out he was the one whose love faded first, what's annoying is that even now I always love him, it seems like inside me there will always be a story for him. I don't know why lately I always dream about him, and he is always on my mind in all my activities. At first glance I thought I wanted to go back to him, I was sure I wanted to have his heart completely and make his love always grow for me. But it turns out everything isn’t as simple as I wanted. He has changed now, changed a lot. Until I hesitate to keep it in my heart anymore. So now I believe in words. “Sometimes people change to grow in different ways. Maybe that doesn't mean we stop loving each other. It's just that now he and I have different goals. '' and it's as real as what's happening to me right now. I have given up my love and let it fade with time.

  Thank you God for giving birth to me into this mortal world, this world is sometimes beautiful and sometimes dark. but whatever happens, I am very grateful to have been given the opportunity to develop according to Your scenario. Every time I wake up I am grateful that I am still given this very decent and sufficient life, grateful that I am still given breath, grateful that I can still use my hands and feet, and my eyes to see beautiful and real things in this world.  Today I am 30 years old. entering the 3rd phase of my life to live your new scenario every day. Sometimes I want to give up but remembering that there are still many whose lives are sadder than mine, I am grateful for what you have given me. Thank you for giving me strength all this time, thank you for teaching me many meanings in this world, I am starting to accept all your destiny for me, but I will try whatever I try now. I will try not to complain too much, not be too angry at fate that is not according to...

IN SILENCE, IN PEACE. Even though on this journey of life I have received various forms of wounds, I was able to get through them well, even though my journey to reach this point was not easy, I and my wounds have managed to get through it. And until whenever my old wounds and new wounds will accompany me on my journey until the end of my life, even though these wounds really don't heal and disappear, I will live my life well and better, for the wounds. Thank you for accompanying me in the process of my blooming. One thing that I will not forget, I will never lose my gratitude for having been given peace at this time. Love and hate united at one time taught me many things and about getting hurt made me a person who can simplify all kinds of wounds. After understanding the meaning of simplicity in doing everything. I have become more open about myself and accept myself humbly, I have let go of the things that make me sick. Even now, the pain from my old wounds remains. But I still e...

  After I finished work and I was alone in silence on the terrace of my room with a cup of coffee that I was enjoying until it was finished, for some reason every time I was lost in daydreams it always made me realize that the world couldn't give me what I wanted. Somentimes I shed tears when complaining about life being unfair to me. Is it okay for me to act like this ? I know it's not good, but sometimes I think the way the world works doesn't always work well for me/. I'm tired of my pain, my way of looking for a way out of problems that always come to me, always only I can find a way out. Every problem I face feels heavy and sometimes I don't find a solution to the problem I face. But sometimes not finding a solution is a solution, those words make me confused. Sometimes it feels like I want to lean on someone but around me there is no one I can rely on other than myself. I'm tired, I'm tired, I want to give up, but considering I've come this far, I ...

In my dream I ran along the river following your scent which left a trail that never disappeared. how should I face this loss with my unpreparedness. Do we really have to prepare for loss? I wondering why there are always separations without permission or warning. does it have to be made this dramatic and painful? it felt really piercing in the pit of my stomach. I was never ready to lose, and to lose another loss, I'm sure my feelings are the same as others. Is there a better way for sincerity than the burning anger after experiencing an unpreparedness to part? Why are things in this world always unfair to my story? will there be any reward after this pain? Will justice come afterward? I'm sure beautiful things will come after the storm, but I feel like I've been waited too long, I feel tired of masking like a clown and pleasing everyone, in fact all that surrounds me is only darkness and sadness, I know it's not good to follow my heart's instincts to just get carr...

  I don't know when it all started and this just happened, one thing I know. Men like you aren’t very interested in love. I don't know what you have been through in your love life in the past, what is certain is that your intention now is just to live your life and fulfill your needs to live. a man who doesn't like commitment and thinks he can't be in a relationship because there are things he can't decide for himself/how naive you are. he is the man who currently entered the world of games in love and chose me as a prisoner in his game, which I don't think will work out well for him, because I always know how a story like this will end. who knows when the game will end but things get serious when everything he wants doesn't go according to his plan, one thing he has to know, I was never interested in your damn game, I've been through various kinds of love in the last few years and I know how to face it? he is a manipulative man, disguised as a man who l...

  It feels like there will be no end when I discuss the issue of love, because for some people love is a pleasant thing, but on the other side there are also those who consider love to be just a game and filler for stories and life's journey in the world. Maybe for me, who was entering the teenage phase at that time, love was very exciting and just for fun. At that time I was still in my 20s, but when it came to love, I felt like I had experienced various forms of love. I mean love from my family and those closest to me. But when it comes to teenage love, for some reason from the beginning of puberty I wasn't very interested in love, at that time I felt strange, I thought, 'Is there something wrong with me? ''My friends always say I'm just pretending and only appealing to men's feelings, but what I feel is that I don't feel anything. I kept asking what was wrong with me. But when I remembered, the reason was that my mother always repeated the same words ...