Most painful lovb

 I don't know where to start tidying up everything that's broken and messy, my decision to meet him and choose him to be the last in my life turned out to be wrong, why this time my guess wasn’t right, everything became a mistake and became a regret. If only I hadn't met him at that time, then hope would never have existed, and the meeting would never have happened. I really swear this is the most painful love compared to my relationship that has ended for 5 years. Because in my relationship this time he is really a softest man with everything he does. I never had a feeling he would be bad to me, in fact it never happened, he was always sweet when he was with me. This time, What I have to do to heal my heart that has just recovered from old wounds. This is really painful, while it seems like the universe is celebrating my suffering, every day after I let you go, the rain has never stopped drop for the past few days. also for the past few days I have been waiting for news from him, and still have hope for him that I feel he will contact me and apologize for his words. but i realized, he never came he never texted me again, that means there is no more love to fight for. that means he doesn't want me in his life. i realized all this time i had my own feelings. how could he look like he really loves me, his smile, his gaze, his hugs even very sincerely to me. usually i can handle a loss well, but why does this time feel so painful, usually i just disappear and cut off contact between me and him so he can never see me at all i won't give him a chance to know how i am, but why this time i want him to know that i'm not okay, it feels like there is still a chance between us, and i want my friends and his friends to know my condition, i want to tell the world that i'm not okay. i'm tired i need someone who loves me for who i am, which i thought he was but not anymore. i was wrong again, but god i really want it, can we ? I curious about his feeling right now, I curious about what he feeling about me, i have so many questions but i feel there is no more chance for us to be together, bcs i don't want to force and fight alone, it's very tiring. And you have to know that if you want us back and try again and fix our relationship, i’ll be here, i’ll be waiting for you.

I know that at my age, it's no longer my time to think about feelings of love and heartache, but why do things like that always surround me even when I avoid them. Idk why, I just tiring rn.