🍁 Last Autumn, Little Butterfly 🦋

The fear that increasingly approaches at night, And wrapped in darkness that celebrates my fear. until dawn comes the feeling doesn't go away. Is the reason for me to continue to survive. I holding on to something uncertain, even though I know what this story will be like in the end. Why is there still doubt in my heart to decide this? Please know that this feeling is beyond my ability, it makes me confused, broken and weakens my hope. only time can answer, in the end again And again I just surrender to time.

Finally, this is my time, the final decision is very difficult for me to take. Even though all this time I defended and continued to defend, my defense wasn’t utilized properly. After Several times I took the opportunity, and gave you a chance, but all you did was devalue the opportunity I gave. Because you feel that I will always forgive, you feel that I will always surrender to the situation, because you feel that my essence is only a woman. When my dream was to be with you to spend the rest of my life, but you repeatedly betrayed your sacred promise. I asked myself what was wrong with me, at first I blamed myself, maybe I as a woman still had many shortcomings, but after your next mistake, your next and your another mistakes. I was sure there was nothing wrong with me. The problem is that you always feel lacking. My sadness has passed, without me realizing it, the stab after stab that you gave me no longer hurt me at all, strangely it actually made me stronger. You always make me in...

    My doubts arose when you vaguely comeback to me. You wrote me a message and asked how I am doing. And he says; Hi, ‘How are you’. I accept your words so smoothly (while imagining the way you talk to me) Suddenly I was stunned. It felt like everything around me became silent, silence had come a long time ago. The universe suddenly became noisy and my heart became noisy too. How is this, immediately broke my mind. I want to reply his message, but will I lose if I reply? I don't know, at least I was in a winning position because apparently he missed me so much that he couldn't take it anymore and sent me a text message. a few hours later, he sent me another message and said, "I really want to eat something, do you have time for that, let's go to the place where you always come there usually . My mind said Likeeee What, what kind of wild thoughts came into my mind? Did they come because he was bored? Or did he really miss me? I don't know, I'm really itching to...

  Mother taught me how to fight, how to put up a strong and brave chest, she taught me to be strong since childhood, we always fought together, before that of course she fought alone from when we were young, since our father gone, all the burden shifted to her, thinking to keep her children living well, eating well, growing well, even though there were many storms that came her way, she remained strong through those attacks. I don't know what reason makes her so strong. but the question for that reason was answered when I was an adult like now, the reason was a strong feeling of love for her family, especially her children. she remained alone in making her children what they are today. sorry if sometimes I'm not always grateful for what I have... often a feeling of lack of gratitude comes, I always think about your difficult times when supporting us, so I can always remember and always be more grateful. sorry if I haven't replied and given you what you deserve, but I, we an...

What should I do, I'm losing my identity more and more. As time went on, I didn't know what to do. It feels like something wrong. Will I be able to be a real person, neither gray nor black? It feels like every day I lose more and more myself. This day after the rain there should be a rainbow in the afternoon which always looks beautiful, but today everything looks sad and ashes. —What does this mean ? That's mean I failed again in train my senses? Oh God, I did well, but always failed— Oh, My Friends Said; They often say that I take life too seriously and don't enjoy it bcs of my old wounds that haven't dried yet. Bcs I didn't treat the wounds well. Come on, Lets Go out to find a new atmosphere, retrain your senses. So this time I listened to them... I started to train my senses until I met new people, I became very close to strangers, Bcs before they said I looked so dead. then what happened after this, still felt the same, my feelings never grew as beautiful a...

My life sometimes scares me while I'm living it. Do everyone feel the same as me? Often the disappointment hits endlessly.  Can I always to be patient and always be given gratitude? What should I do ? I still continue to wondering about it. Have I found myself? Is this my true identity... but doubts keep coming to me. Where should I look for answers? During the 29 years I have lived in this world, I have continued to search for meaning. what is the meaning of life? life gives us good and bad lessons, gives us feelings of sadness and happiness, everything is always reciprocal. like we are born to live and go to death? what happens after death? what else will there be? I've heard the term, after death there will be a new life, what kind of new life? So what dimension do we live in, and what dimension will we come to after death? My thoughts are so complicated. my friend said. 'Can you live more simply? what they mean is simplify your thoughts' they told me to just live yo...

​ My life was filled with wounds that left me devastated for a while. My awakening from adversity was because I thought my life still had meaning, my life was still surrounded by good people who really loved me. My strength comes from my mom. Because she was my role since childhood, she was so great, she was so strong, she survived alone for me and my siblings. So, what should I be disappointed about? On the contrary, I am determined to make her happy, until the end of her life, we will be responsible for his happiness.

His leaving gave me new hope. Bcs he gave me a strength for this beautiful relationship. What we do with distance is that we both struggle to heal the wounds of old love. You are very wise, you understand what we have to do. Your way of thinking is extraordinary, so that it doesn't happen or cause unnecessary injuries in the future, you do those good things. And we cleanse ourselves From wounds. In my daydreams, it's funny how God brought together the two of us who were not in good condition. but I am grateful that the way I found it was very beautiful.

The great thing about time is that can easily fade all bitter memories and temporarily hide painful feelings.  Time helps me with many things, helps me rise from my downturn and forget the things that make me sick.  Time is truly magical and ephemeral. Time can changes everything. Time starts all the things that happen in this universe. But what I don't understand about time is when it will end.

Many other humans are afraid of loneliness but strangely I'm not. I find comfort in silence. The same thing applies when I'm in the dark.  Maybe because I'm used to being alone, I enjoy my time in silence more.  I also want to know whether this will have a bad impact in the future? I don't know for sure I'm just enjoying my time now. But sometimes my silence disturbs the thoughts of those people closest to me. They said how you can be calm in the silence and darkness. be careful loneliness can kills you slowly. but on the contrary, for me loneliness makes me live and makes me more closet to Him.

When you're born, can you choose who you will be born with, where you will live, with whom, and what you will become;  Can you choose to be poor or rich, beautiful or not, and become what you want and dream of?  Of course you know the answer is no .  Knowing that its all part of the mystery of life.  Likewise with dreams.  I think dreams are also a mystery of the future, W here we don't know what the future will be like .  whether it becomes something meaningful or becomes a waste.   What I know is that humans are given the desire to achieve their dreams and are filled with determination. Whether your success is good or not, it all depends on you and your own determination. Your struggle and hard work will determine a good final result.

  In my opinion, humans are the same as the universe, because the universe has a complicated structure like the human brain. And both are ephemeral things. Humans;  some of them are ambitious about life, and obsessed with heaven on earth. but there’s are also surrender to what He wills (Allah SWT). Some people follow how fate acts and surrender to Him. because is there a better way to live? and what is the correct way of life that humans should do? the people around me that I know and I experiences are those who compete and struggle to find happiness. and ultimately happiness is the goal they want to achieve.  Even though many contexts, choices and meanings regarding happiness, that's their purposes.

I hope you and I successful in the life decisions we make. 3 years ago we went through difficult times together in the small room we lived in. Even though you are hurt, you always hug me with great and unconditional love. When I was far from my family she played a very sincere role as my sister and after being with her for so long it was surprising that she was a person who didn't talk much at all. that's why every word she said was precious. She really like my real sister. She is really lovely, caring, sweet and pure person I ever admire. Xxx At night where we always talk about the dreams and hopes that we choose and want. Once upon time, when the time comes and she has to choose a very difficult choice but its for the good of her future. I'm sad but I always support whatever she chooses and wants. our promise to meet again in success! And  I thank to her very much, I hope we can always be good family till the rest of our life. In All experiences we have.  It...

— It's ok, I understand your situation rn, you always like that when you are in love. and I’m the one who always can handle every ur situations, as usually. I'm always calm in dealing with those situations. So that’s ok. you'll come back by urself. Just like when you're angry, I know it won't last long. Just Take your time, if you are calm, tell me at anytime like your habits, because you’ve always been like this, will always be like this. I know the clues, so call me anytime like usual. I'll always accept you whenever you come back, like always 📍Now you're like this again, you're lost so I understand that. You said we were two people like Tom & Jerry, have you ever imagined what would happen?  Ah and yes, you always say to me. “Wherever you go, your shadow will always by my side.” So when I'm lost again, please understand me for a moment. OK, I do it now, over and over again.

Hi! If this blog has reached your hands, that means my dream, my umpteenth dream has come true. Even though nothing has been easy for me to get to this stage, I am sure that all of this is just a matter of time, when beautiful things come, believe that its your time, its your part. So believe that following time will take you where it will take you. However, remain firm and confident in your heart, even if you are carried away by it, it is still your mind and yourself that are in full control of you. So basically I want to believe in you, that you have to believe in your abilities. Because every human being must have ikigai (i.e. their own abilities), so it is you who determines what you will be like in the future. This book is How I simplify my wounds which I think haven’t yet fully recovered. This book is How I always simplify Love and wounds so that I don't fall too deep if I fall and can always come back strong. OK, go deeper into my soul. Please enjoy my thoughts.

 — “If you don’t want to get hurt, you have to be able to simplify love.” That’s what my mother always said in every conversation when we were at the dinner table. Honestly, that word confused me at the time. SHe often said it when I was in 2nd grade of high school, where she began to know that I was starting to feel teenage love. and those words often stick in my head till this day. Finally, in any situation, when I get to know new love, I always simplify those feelings. And yes, it worked great, saving me from various forms of wounds. If you don’t understand the simple meaning, the point is you don’t need to overdo in love. You have to love in moderation, give in moderation. So later after that you will get a proper wound.

  I really want to close this sad story and replace with a thousands of happiness. Is it that difficult to close a wound? the fact it’s difficult. So funny when someone said. “Just go back to him even if it hurts. But the fact is that getting to know new people is more difficult.” Unfortunately; Those words are true. But there’s nothing in my story to look back on. if asked to choose between “your ex-lover or a new stranger.” I prefer the stranger, because to choose the ex and open the old book I already know how the story will end. So the conclusion is that I am not at all going back to the person in my past, no matter how much I love him. But don’t worry, I’m like this because of a problem within me that is too bandaging with wounds.

  I started to dare tell my story. My happy stories and sad stories. I started to dare to share it for a reason, Is because of my big dream of becoming a writer. And it seems like there are so many people on this universe who have dreams but they don’t dare to start and doubt themselves. Here I want to break it. break that doubt. with the way I started to express everything I feel and I want. things I like and I don’t like. something that always scares me but I managed to handle it. things that I didn’t dare to do before, now I dare. I did all that for the sake of my dream, which I will soon make it happen. If you have read this book it means my dream has come true. and now it is your part to break the doubts that exist within you, start everything and make your dreams come true.

I don’t know why I felt calm in the dark, they said I was very odd, they said I had to be checked because they were afraid something would happen to me. and yes, I had a funny experience when I was being treated in hospital. funny thing is even the nurses said the same thing they were wondering why I am so quiet in the dark when this is a hospital and I was alone in a dark room for 16 days. until one of them kept an eye on me in case anything happened so the nurse was on standby around me. Its so funny but I’ll Thankyou so much for caring me. But What’s even more absurd, they say this is like a sign from someone will die. but that’s okay, anyone would assume like that. and yes I also don’t understand what happend with me, this feeling is indeed very calming and makes me comfortable in it. all the tiredness, wounds, pain that I experienced seemed to disappear for a while.  

A year ago I chose to be blind because I have seen what I shouldn’t have seen. I would rather go and disappear than have to face every lie you will make. You are confused about why it could be like this.  and why I’m leaving.  I don’t want to appear to be the most pathetic and weak person. After that it wasn’t difficult for me to get a replacement of you. and when you found out you thought this was a big betrayal that I made. It’s funny that you act like you’re the saddest victim. yeah that’s what I expected. Let our story end as if this was a betrayal that I did, but in fact it’s the opposite. Our story ends as it should, and it is fate that brings about. I hope someday you will read my blog. so that all your questions have been answered.

Why did you spend your time in that labyrinth. Waiting for something that is uncertain, but in this world nothing is certain? You only life once, so don't waste your life on something meaningless. Funny life. We literally spent years living it and sticking around. We do everything, live as it should. Life without knowing what will happen in the future. really this world is a mystery of life that I'm sure no one has found the answer.

 — Her eyes are filled with tears again, her wounds are never healed, she becomes not confident to seek love or to be found by love. But now she trying to live on— Closing old shit and opening new ones. I hope she will succeed on her path. Hopefully she won’t be distracted by other people’s perspectives like she used to be, I’m sure she will become focused on something she is aiming now, she will inspire those around her for having dared to fall and rise through the phases of her life🍁 [d.s]

— I remember when I was alone on my way through the forest which took about 2 hours to get through, I burst into tears because I was scared and worried at the same time. On that night I had a problem that I had to solve. I called him in the middle of the night, but with his readiness even though he is far away and we're from different countries and he said he was asleep, but he accompanied me on a night that I thought it was a nightmare that I wanted to get through as soon as possible. he comforted me in my loud cries, he comforted me with his dry jokes, thanks for everything. his love is real, his love is sincere. His kindness so pure.  Really I don't think I can repay his sincere kindness.  the fact that he gave me a long time ago that continues to surprise me. with the sweet treatment that always runs out for me. I am also comfortable with him, he is very kind, he really takes care of me when I’m with him: but there is a big wall of barriers that keeps us from being togethe...

When you make a deal with your pain, with your troubles, your failures to be turned into something that can make you at peace with yourself. sooner or later everything will be fine again, but it's only a matter of time. The best thing is that you can agree to heal from the various wounds that are stuck in your body.   Never run from your soul, run from your wounds with time. Walk with time in peace. Because time will erase and change everything, even though time is only in charge of replacing it with new wounds, at least your old wounds have been resolved one by one.

— This season teaches me to feel happy in different ways and at different times, Happiness changes— when I woke up and my eyes opened, I learned about finding happiness starting with praying and enjoying my morning with a cup of warm tea, accompanied by peace and security that you didn't realize before. when you sit down and be silent and understand everything and you see that you can be that happy and that calm in such a simple way, what a joy that is.

It's hard for me to get rid of this lack of respect, when he tries to approach me for something, why is there a man like that, under the guise of being pious, it turns out that he's not that pious, my intention is to lead Bu him to a better direction because my goal is no longer to find a lover, I'm tired, I want to hurry up coupled with the aisle, in fact many married women say, don't be too hasty, just enjoy the process, because merried isn’t the right solution for your tiredness.

 You deserve whatever you believe you will get. including the people who will love you in the future. you have the right to choose and be the chosen one, you have the right to love and be loved by someone who fights for you to the last drop of his energy. You deserve to be happy and you deserve it. You deserve to be the best of anything in this world. the point is you are always entitled to anything, that's the reason you were born into this world, because you deserve it. so be happy. enjoy the results of your struggle.

 —— You know what makes you different from the men I know in general. you are my lucky, because many times you treat me like your queen. your warm touch, your voice that is so slow when talking to me and so careful about treating me. Really all that made me fall in love with you over and over again. with a moment that I can’t explain we suddenly drifted away from each other. However, I hope you feel the same way as me, I hope we can read each other's feelings again. Here in the usual place we accidentally meet, I hope you have the guts to greet me again.

 —— Slightly continuing the story in the previous pages. I want to let you know that, My Question and My Curiosity has finally been answered. A bird gave me a newspaper, that now you are separated from that woman, even though your marriage age is only as old as corn. Evil I have, a bit of satisfaction when I hear it. 😈 It turned out that if I came back with him at that time it wasn’t the right solution to heal my wound. Turns out my decision to disappear was right and he enjoyed it this time right now. In fact, that woman didn’t last long with you. And I think your marriage relationship will exceed the time we have spent together before. It turns out it was only for a moment. But still thank you for being my complement. Even if only temporarily.

 —— Story End. Even though it was very unfair for me because he left me with new wounds, the shifty thing was that he was happy with that woman, The woman who became the source of my wound. Its really unfair. Even though I don't blame her because I'm also sure that the woman was lulled by his sweet words, the paradoxical things, the paradoxical words, Idk, what I know he can easily change that woman to be able to follow his heart and mind. What is certain that my separation this time made me blame myself because he had planted too many wounds. because as long as I'm with him what he does only makes me feel useless, keeps me away from the people closest to me, makes me have a very deep sense of insecurity. because he always says I'm ugly and talentless, only I people who want to be with you, those bitter words are always in my mind, stupidly I follow everything he says, even my friends and his friends think I'm a toxic woman for him because it keeps him away of all, ...

— Suddenly someone came to pick me up at my office. with a foreign car that I didn’t know before. turns out he in it, it feels like my world is about to collapse my foundation that I have built is instantly destroyed again. he hugged me tightly, during on the way home I was silent because somehow there wasn't a single thing that we had to discuss because I thought everything was clear the last time we met to agree to separate. when we arrived in front of my house we started talking until midnight by deliberately turning on the song we used to hear together. Then he hugged me and kissed me many times. again I let it happen because I wanted to know what his means, But at that time I really wanted it too; Then He's just the asshole I've ever known, after he hugged me and we finished talking, he said I should go home because this is his girlfriend's car, the fact he told me that now they live together. I don't know how she would feel if she found out about this. Idk, bu...

 

  —— Sometimes I'm still curious about his life now. Is he happy? Did he succeed in realizing his dreams? Is he successful in his marriage? It turns out that isn’t difficult to get information about him. Because people around him I don't know what they means, without me to asking they always randomly give me news about him. —— When I talk about him I think back a lot about the past, about how he started playing with me. When I hoped he would be my one and only last man, he wasn’t. After a long time I supported him to get up and continue to accompany him to complete his thesis. which has not been completed for a long time. finally he graduating from college, after that he started working and his career was quite good at that time. Stupidly I trusted him so much because there was nothing between us to having a secret each other's condition. Because our two families are so close and her mother loves me as much as I love her. And our family has planned for a more serious level ...

  Someone asking me why you wasted your time for 4 years, Why you like that relationship ? I answer because at that time I enjoyed it!  —We’re together and there’re no problems, and I was young, I needed to date, go out and party every friday-saturday. because I am also beautiful and I also work too, and my life isn’t about just to work. so I do what I want.

 — I don't understand what happened to us, I thought forgetting you was easy but it's not easy. too beautiful things that you give, too many sweet memories in it. This is really hard for me to go through, I don't know when I can let you go, I'm just waiting for the time. because time can erase beautiful memories.

 — Why don't you understand my way of conveying this feeling. How should I be in your mind ? and knows all I want to say.  I love you really love you, until it feels tight because I want to feel your love. Quickly find my heart, quickly feel me, quickly realize that I am here. Find me as soon as possible.

 — We just got to know each other. we are 2 stranger who trying to connect with each other. Finally we connected and contacted each other.  — But after one week I was with you, I was very shocked by your actions towards me, your actions are very excessive. You control every smallest part of my life. you makes rule for my whole body. Why ? You always try to dominate me while my body stubbornly rejects it. After a few weeks I realized this is what I don’t want, I’ve been through this before, I can’t be trapped in it anymore, only me who deserve some thing to myself, only me can to control my life. only me!

 —— Now you are your best mirror, because she will be your example in the future when you look back. so in the present and in your youth now, work hard and fight until the end so that in the future you can continue your struggle for your success with pride and happiness. Please do your best, because you’re your best mirror in the future.

 — I know how it feels when lose someone and it hurts a lot, you know all beings in this world aren’t spared from loss, so don't feel like you are the only one who feels pain.  All that disappears suddenly and you never get an inkling of them leaving. leave because of separation of love or leave because of death.  Ya as usual we can be sad but don't drag on it. you know what, the pain you have now it indicates that you are a human being on this earth. so enjoy your pain! After that go back to living your day as usual and be successful in your life. makes people who leave you will regret or happy to see you from a distance.  Because they will always take the time to see the latest news about you—

 —— No one wants to be hurt by the people around them, even less hurt by the people they love. But come back if you get that wound because it is your destiny. because fate can’t be changed. the step you have to do is you have to simplify the wound.  —— Think it is destiny in your life and you can’t change it. then be brave. because You’re the brave woman I know best. You’re  stronger than anything. You are the first person who always raises your hand to vote. and no matter how much you have fallen, you always get back up. again and again. one more You’re also a woman who has a lot of softness in you. You’re precious, You’re beautiful even after a long day at work. in any case, wherever fate takes you, hold on with everything you have, all you have is Brave, strength and softness. they are your characteristics.

 —— Change yourself not only because of your goals, not only because you get hurt. change yourself because it can make you much better in the future. live the process believe in yourself that you can. don't give up, get back up, be brave then be happy, as I always say you are always entitled to your own happiness. So keep fighting.

  You have promised to rise, then why do you want to give up? You have promised to be happy, then why are you late in sadness?  Please control yourself day by day, it's okay just take it easy and slow but sure. when your life feels heavy and your strong bones start to feel tired and you always get restless, promise me to keep going even though I'm not around.  No matter how difficult the road there will always be a way out. I promise I'm the first person who will always by your side.

Why do you always do that, just to break up with me? then you hooked up with another woman for a while, only to piss me off and come back to you. After that you asked me to come back, was all this just a jokes and games to you? Sorry for this time I’ll never come back.

 Why if hating someone feels more disgusting than when we love him? Do all people have the same perspective as me? why did the change happen to be unreasonable? How can feelings of love can change instantly to hate? can someone explain all my questions?

Like a dream in that story you're hugging me from behind while you kiss my neck. You know that part is my weakness. you are so beautiful and I am driven crazy by you.  The dream feels real—, You read the poems I wrote, while touching my face and you chuckle, you say "a lot of my stories in it, am I that bastard in your eyes? “ he asked while teasing me. hey you know I'm so grateful you came. I thought this was just a dream, it turns out to be real, thank you for coming.

Good things are always with me, including your arrival in my life, I am very lucky to have you, but you are someone who is very cold, makes me talk a lot to you, it's okay, the most important thing is now you are mine.

 You are the heart that I want, I hope you find my part in you. I always expect a lot from someone until I lose myself. I lose myself when I think about my future with someone. why I don't understand.

 This feeling just comes, should I let it run as it is? although this is the wrong way for us to start? Unexpected things always happen to me. That night our eyes met at one time, where we secretly harbored feelings for each other.

Am I going to life with someone who loves me in the future? I still haven't imagined it, can I still do what I want afterwards? Should I not change my identity? change my character and nature? what kind of companion will I get, will he be open-minded or a patriarch?  I don't know, but I hope and believe that someone is a very extraordinary person who will accompany me.

 You are the heart that I want, I hope you find me in you, I always expect a lot from someone until I lose myself. I lose myself when I think about having my future with someone. I wonder why ? I really wonder.

is there still me in your heart? have you ever felt lost? do you miss me? And do you feel my pain? Even though we've turned a new leaf, I hope you always miss me.

I want to repeat the time when I was with you, because you treated me so gantlely. well maybe you do this for all woman. But I don't care. all I know is I miss you so much rn and need your warm hug. And now you only accompany me in my every fantasy. I wonder if you there feel the same vibes as me?

I'm grateful to be me today.   I am grateful that I am still breathing.   I am grateful for still hearing my mother's voice.   I am grateful because there are so many good people around me.   I am grateful for all that I have now.   For all the kindness, I always try to be more grateful than before.

  Without you realizing it, I feel like these memories haven't gone away after everything has passed for so long. Look at this wound that you planted, it turns out to be eternal. This feeling has died, but the pain is still eternal: every second I crawl to find a way out. But nothing came of it. Now I'm just enjoying my longing that will slowly kill me without you knowing it.

She just wants to be happy, after what she's been through. I always want to make her happy without even seeing her tears fall. You're the only one I want to love for the rest of my life. In all my good and bad days, you're the only one I want to spend time with. That's what he said when he was boasting; In fact he was already dead from my life, and he was continuing his boasting with other girls. Hope your life be cursed.

 Usually I hide my feelings and emotions inside.  I hold it, I always control myself so not to make some mess.  Then finally I figure out what path I should take so I can release my emotions. until finally I found what I love is writing. By writing I can put everything into a book. Finally now I'm a little sane.

I thought all this time I was going home, which I thought it was my last place to come home to, where a sense of security and safety was born in my own home. But yesterday, When I on the way back home, suddenly I felt bad. Instantly I sighed as if ungrateful. And My heart says "I'm home, but it feels like I'm not home". This is not the situation I expected and I want. I am grateful and very very grateful to have survived and been strong until now. That's all I feel. I haven't found that "taste" in my own home yet. I don't know what to do and how I hope, all this will change over time.

I'm telling you all this because I care, it's hard to love in the present. Because I have felt deeply in love 3 times. But what I know after that I will no longer feel love like that. Today's flavors are very bland. I can easily come and go. I also don’t know what and why the reason love becomes numb like this. Repeatedly I always say and remember again sometimes " I miss being a painful love for someone " Loved so deeply, fought to the death. Ah love so hurts, hurts but I love.

I don't want to say goodbye. For a thousand reasons I don't have a reason, because I don't think you need a reason to love someone. Yes Love without reason. But after I fought for it and I'm the only one holding on. I decided to let go slowly with a soft rope that hurt my heart. Even though it feels tight after removing the rope, the wound in the aching heart slowly subsides. For everything I've been through, still thank you love for this speck of happiness.

I would always have love him a bit, but he has stopped loving me.  I always have love for him, there will always be stories for us.  But it turns out that everything isn't simple, he has changed, changed a lot.  Sometimes a person changes to grow in a different ways. doesn't mean they stop loving each other.  Just have different goals.

  Sometimes I miss being the first person you look  for in the morning. and become your spirit when you starting the day. be the reason for your happiness every day. I always smile when I think back on those days. waiting for text messages from you all the time,  waiting to hear from each other. hold back the desire to meet at night. How beautiful isn’t our day? will I feel the same story when someone is not you? In fact, now everything has changed, now someone who fills my day isn’t what I want. at that time our time was so short that I felt a lack of time we had spent together. I don’t know, sometimes a little time can change a lot of things, but a long time doesn’t even change a bit. Now my time is up just to remember you.

I stayed up last night thinking what to do, Do I failed? No, but I'm sure this is just the timing is not right for my success.  It's okay. I will continue to fight till the death for myself and my mother.  I have promised to my mother and father for doing my best in the future, and she promise me will always be by my side. thank you mother for accompanying me in the joy and sorrow, wait a little longer. hold on a little longer 🌷

Sometimes loss is more self conscious and you can take a good lesson that you can learn from it. From loss we can learn to mature ourselves because by letting go you will be more aware that you mean a lot. loss teaches us many things.   I think that being alone is fine .  And it's better than you having to invest with people who aren't necessarily investing the same things as ourselves. it will only waste your time.   Because it's better for you to be alone and lonely than you are lonely when you have a partner.

My tears fell in to  universe , I could feel him pitying on my sad story. after that my mind suddenly stopped remembering the memory of our story that was so beautiful at the beginning.   You know ? I walked in the dark to find you and bring you back: but nothing over came of it. I've been waiting for you here for years while everything keeps changing and I'm here like the moon at night always illuminating all around, but myself stuck in the dark.   I realized that I had tried too long, it was time for me to find way back home. because you gone and never came back.

My mind says💭 "You have to control your emotions, or they will control you" Even though you know what your emotional control limit, you have to be able to balance it. You can drive your mind to be stronger than your emotions or you will lose yourself any time.  And after that you will lose your mind and try to understand it. Learn to always think positively and be grateful for what happen right now, because whatever it is must be for a reason. if you think negative then the result will be negative, likewise if you are positive then the result will be good.

Take the risk or you will lose your chance. sometimes there's no next time, there's no second chance, time's up!  Sometimes the opportunity is now or never. but sometimes you also need a second chance, because you are not ready for the previous chance.  It would be great if you got another chance. so don't ignore it. I know taking a chance is a very scary thing, because we don't know if we will succeed or fail.  but fear is something you have to go through more than anything, because missing out on something truly wonderful.  ( sometimes ). The result is beauty. and that is a lesson for you to share with your future descendants.

'If not you, who else?' That's what my mom always told me. until finally his advice is always embedded in my memory. alone, only yourself can make it happen, only yourself can build a kingdom like you want. you know who can give everything. only you! you are the star, you shine bright in the darkness. why do I talk like that, because I once saved myself from the darkness by changing the way I think that  'I am a star that can light you up in the night.' I built my own mind since childhood, so I always think positively first in any situation. from childhood I was a true adventurer in the dark. did i enjoy it? yes, I used to be afraid of the dark, but because I endured and I was strong,  I was finally able to conquer the dark and think of darkness as the universe , because there is so much beauty in it. so built your hope, change your view of the darkness of misfortune with a positive mind, even  you're not sure,  Just pretend until you're sure you...

One day I will tell how I can be successful like this. one day I will be a Survival Guide  for people who are struggling. one day I will tell you how to survive the storm. nothing is more beautiful when you prove that you are strong and can survive till this far. one day I will tell you how to respect yourself, and that is one way for you to heal (respect yourself). One day I will tell you that you are actually a strong human / woman, until you have no choice but to be strong. You don't know that you are the main character in your life, you are the artist. remember that. and I think our life is like a queen who always has pain in her power. because to reach something high, he has gone through many storms to reach its peak. for those who are struggling, I believe more than anything, you are on the road to success and ready to level up your life. see you on top. 

  MY LIST AND HOPE THAT WILL HAPPEN SOON, Really soon; THIS LIST WAS MADE IN 2023💬 1. ALWAYS BE GRATEFUL & PRAY 5 TIMES. 2. HEALTHY BOTH & MIND 3. SEEING PARENTS HAPPY & LONG LIFE AND FULFILLING ALL THEIR NEEDS. 4. FINANCIALLY ESTABLISHED SO THAT I CAN KEEP MY PARENTS, SISTERS, PEOPLE AROUND ME HAPPY, AND PEOPLE WHO NEED IT. 5. WANT TO BECOME AN ENTREPRENEUR IN THE BEAUTY FIELD Continuing MAMI'S DREAM, Continuing MAMI'S BUSINESS, namely TWINS BEAUTY SALON. 6. AROUND THE WORLD WITH MAMI & FAMILY (WITH HUSBAND SOON) 7. FINDING A MAN AS MY EXPECTATIONS (Am Not Perfect, but I have 'hope' ) : SOLEH❕ FINANCIALLY ESTABLISHED FAMILY FIRT, FAMILY LOVERS LIKE MY FATHER👥 ONE FREQUENCY LOVE ME LOVE ME  LOVER HIS MOTHER MUCH, ALSO MY MOTHER 💕 LOVE TRAVELING HARD WOKER DEFINITELY HANDSOME💢 ONE IMPORTANT THING 'SMELL GOOD' LOVE GIVING TO OTHER MORE DETAILS I SHOULD TALKING WITH GOD THAN WRITE HERE hha👼 ( sorry if my expectations is too much. you also have ...

I've been wondering all this time why? why does my storyline have to be like this? I always try to be grateful for what is happening with my life path. I wonder what's wrong with my concept, what's wrong with me living it. does anyone feel the same as me? I feel like I've worked hard and struggled but still have no results. I believe in your plan, even though I have made a plan whatever power all decisions are in your hands. Bismillah, I believe your destiny is far more beautiful than all the plans I have planned. InshaAllah I'm sure, everything that is beautiful will happen soon.  all beautiful things will come in my life. I'm sure time will tell everything, time will tell soon.

  Do you realize that when you demean yourself, other people will see you as a lowly person with no value, but when you are full of confidence, courage, you show your value, then people will think you are valuable, believe me, all of that is self-suggestion, make positive affirmations within yourself, the views of others depend on how you see yourself.