Train My Senses🦢

What should I do, I'm losing my identity more and more. As time went on, I didn't know what to do. It feels like something wrong. Will I be able to be a real person, neither gray nor black? It feels like every day I lose more and more myself. This day after the rain there should be a rainbow in the afternoon which always looks beautiful, but today everything looks sad and ashes.

—What does this mean ?
That's mean I failed again in train my senses? Oh God, I did well, but always failed—

Oh, My Friends Said; They often say that I take life too seriously and don't enjoy it bcs of my old wounds that haven't dried yet. Bcs I didn't treat the wounds well. Come on, Lets Go out to find a new atmosphere, retrain your senses.
So this time I listened to them...
I started to train my senses until I met new people, I became very close to strangers, Bcs before they said I looked so dead. then what happened after this, still felt the same, my feelings never grew as beautiful as before, when I started my first and second love... now if I feels butterfly in my chest, suddenly It’ll just disappear ( Mean; Numb ) bcs ya,, My heart is empty. Don't ask me why, bcs I don't have the answer either.

Idk, how far I've stumbling in training myself, but there still no results... now I'm in my daydreams and think I'll just continue and live my life without thinking about someone in the future, Bcs in the end of my life I only survive on myself, For my self;

Comments

Painkiller

These few days I don't cry much, we don't even cryyyyyyyy, finally! :’ (mean me and mom) Because I have the antidote, I have the medicine for all mypain, he changes my day he turns my cold heart into a little warmer. I don't know how he came into my life? I certainly thank to God, for providing the antidote Soooo on time! ;) Even though I was tough at first and didn't want to recognize him but who would have thought that now he has become a part of my day I'm so grateful to have someone who keeps me safe and can heal my wound even just a little... But, I wouldn't expect more from him, because I already know how it feels when having hope on someone and it will hurt's ... I'll let it flow as it is and I am very happy & bliss when he accepting me for who I am The only thing I'm grateful for now is having him by my side I hope I'm not depedent to having him around me Bcsa, I'm so afraid of being addicted to him ( around me ).

A comfort zone

What should I do ? so many dreams that I have to achieve, but why am I still here in this small town? why am I so afraid of getting out of my comfort zone, why is it so hard to leave her alone again, but I have to move, I have to be something, I have to work to make her happy: give me a way out, time and a sense of God's spirit, I don't want everything I've done to be in vain. let's make something, let's be something! ❤️‍🔥

'' Heart and Mind "

Rely on the heart on your mind... In fact, what is in the mind doesn't always match what is in the heart? The heart always struggles with logic where the two are always contradictory. I tend not to think when things are complicated. Sometimes things don't go the way they want. So don't be too hard to drain yourself, sometimes it's not bad to go with your heart and go with the flow. still, we have to be careful because sometimes humans can't overcome their instincts by nature. for that, there is no cure for stupidity.

Let it go ♾

Finally God gave me a quick answer. That is my doubts about him.. Because when I doubt, I choose to not. So far I've been trying talk to him and want to know how much he love me while I’m gone. Anddd When I try, he really let me go, Actually he didn't try to keep me by his side. I don't know why, even though he said he love me, I think it's really just a lie. But I was ready for this reality, bcs I didn't want to play the game. So I quit, I give up and planned to just focus on my life and my mental health. In the end of our conversation he said “I love you” I was very suprised to hear that, bcs he never told me even just once. And it’s priceless for me. But why did he say “he love me” when we broke up. I don’t know what its means? And once again he said “We may not looking each other now but I hope you know you can still call me if you ever need anything” With all the words he said. why he so dignity for some beg, just saying I want to be with you, m...

— AboutSummer —

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Butterflies & Flowers

🦋🌹 He says I am full of tricks like butterflies & flowers. The butterfly that was about to be chased instead went and flew, but if it was kept quiet it would come by itself and perch on his shoulder. And flowers that are very beautiful when seen and will wither when picked, that's very deceiving isn't it? He said that I was someone he could only admire, not to be have, he concluded that I was like a rose 🌹with thorns if he held it would hurt him. How bad is my parable in his eyes? Again he said that I am a person who doesn’t like commitment ( That true, but he doesn't know what things have happened to me in the past to my cold me, so he accused me like that ) but I understand it just his worry. By saying things like that as if he knows me deeper, it's just a way of treating himself.. But about him, he's special, he's different and I adore him, that's all. So when my feelings have exceeded admiration, I always stop it, bcs it w...

Mom Happiness🍁

Some people in this world are born rich at a young age even at birth. There are also those who have to fight tooth and nail to become rich even from birth: Yes, I am a category 2 human being , I have to fight tooth and nail for my life and make my parents happy. But wait once upon a time… Before I struggled, my mother struggled for 25 years to support her 4 children because she was left by her husband, before that mom life was very happy bcs father had everything and we all lived very complete lives, but after my father died, everything changes, father asset and all we have lost bcs something happen; and my mother began to struggle desperately alone for I lived 25 years! Until finally after I graduated from school the struggle passed on to me and my other sister’s, and my mother's persistence was passed on to her daughters~ For whatever reason now I am willing to do anything. we can live happier❤️ … Next; I always have positive happiness mant...

🍁Last Autumn Little Butterfly 🦋

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