🍁Last Autumn Little Butterfly 🦋

  These few days I don't cry much,  we don't even cryyyyyyyy, finally! :’  (mean me and mom) Because I have the antidote, I have the medicine for all mypain, he changes my day he turns my cold heart into a little warmer. I don't know how he came into my life?  I certainly thank to God, for providing the antidote   Soooo on time! ;) Even though I was tough at first and didn't want to recognize him but who would have thought that now he has become a part of my day I'm so grateful to have someone who keeps me safe and can heal my wound even just a little... But, I wouldn't expect more from him,  because I already know how it feels when having hope on someone and it will hurt's ... I'll let it flow as it is and  I am very happy & bliss when he accepting me for who I am The only thing I'm grateful for now is having him by my side I hope I'm not depedent to having him around me Bcsa,  I'm so afraid of being addicted to him ( around me ).

Have you ever been in a bad situation where you think you mean so much to someone but you then find out that you're just an option or their backup plan? And then you think that you dont deserve to be a second choice because you've always considered them your number one. You free your time to talk to them and they don't do the same back and you're there just disappointed thinking why? Why don't you get treated back the same? You decide that you've gotten enough, you don't deserve this. So, you change your treatment with them and they get mad and vicious. It confuses you and that's when your mind gets messed up Then they call you emotionally unstable. But it's them. They're the ones who led you to act this way because they're never clear enough!

 Sorry if I look a little annoying  Just feel lonely, I miss some thing like there's something I want to do, but I don't know what it is.  I'm sorry I'm messed up, I'm just feeling alone, it's not just an excuse, I'm lonely, not really..  The right thing is I'm feeling jealous, but I don't know who is jealous of what..  I'm a mess, ever since I met you I'm screwed.   My broken heart, can't be a bit far from you..  What will happen if you are not by my side?   What will I do?  What kind of mess am I going to make?

Laugh like nothing happened, Smile like everything is fine,  I love him so much.    But do I have to go through this feeling every day?    Is this a normal feeling, a normal relationship?    I don't understand anymore, can this be considered painful?    What should I do, I think it hurts, but he doesn't think so.   This is what he usually does.    In the 2nd year I started to feel great fear, I was afraid of hope, I was afraid to expect more from people.    I believe God has arranged everything, but why do I keep feeling this way, like something else, it bothers me so much.    It hurts isn't it? 🍁

 There are types of broken heart that God allows to happen to shape your maturity why are you being hurt?  because your character isn't finished yet.  You will be sharpened here and there.  Hurt by several people until you finally manage to become a patient and sincere person.  Sooner or later you have to be the best version of yourself.  That is to be patient and sincere.  If every time you are hurt you are angry and resentful, sharpening is considered unsuccessful.   People who will hurt you will be sent again until finally your soul is formed noble.

  I really like spending time with him, he always tells funny things and even interesting history he will tells, never ending he always makes me smile, I really love him and will always be like that. I like when we share and exchange information about anything I always get new things that I have never gotten before.    argue about what we see, we read, we watch together.     fuss over little things until he always relents, with him I always be myself.  And  one thing he never imagined was about our togetherness, moreover we lived it for a very long time.    he and I said we were grateful to have a relationship with each other.

  Maybe they bullies because they thought she was weak,  But I thought she was weak because she was different.   Being in the minority didn't mean she didn't have many friends to back her up.   she was alone when the intruder came. But did you know?   loneliness made her strong.  She had time to learn about herself Instead of taking care of other people, she focuses.   She became an ocean that could silently exterminate you deep into the sea, but she didn't, then why?  the ocean is a bit quiet too (mean lonely)  you see ?  She just wants to spend time with all of you.   She sees the universe and think its time to disappear and she gives you plenty of time to learn, being evil until you no longer find the pleasure of being evil.   until finally you will come and swim in the ocean with her.

  “Just wondering”   Actually I was born in this world for what? what my role as a human ? (I asked above the question when I was young, but after this incident happened to me, I finally said it again)    Am I useful to the people around me ? especially those closest to me, like family? When the person you love hurts you with bitter words. And you can only cry in silence.    Then you want to be angry but can't because she is someone you really love and respect..    How could she say such words?   Like there's no warmth in it anymore, I've tried my best to make everyone happy.    But whenever I do something, I'm never considered helpful, I'm just a troublemaker who can't handle it  (that's what she said)    Sick.  It is very painful.  I wish I could get out of here, but I can't.  What should I do, I'm getting more and more tormented by his words, But I understand what she means so I never get angry,...

   I know you're tired of dealing with unfinished problems.    Hope you always strong as usual, please pray for us to find a solution for all of this.    Come back smile, and live your day as usual, I miss seeing you smile kindly at me at us.     Every time I hear you cry, I also cry overnight , we are the same M, never show sadness in front of each other, but when we part our hearts scream naturally.    I believe God gives us problems according to our abilities..    I'm sure we can pass this test...    we change level to be great human M!    Trust in God, surrender everything because this is His will, and pray that we can deal with it as usual.    Apart from missing the warmth of this house, I also miss the warmth from you. I'm sick of seeing you pretending to be happy.   I do really miss you

You always there for everyone You think about the future a lot You put other happiness before yours But you’re always alone. You overthink way too much No one is there to listen you And you feel broken inside. You try make everyone happy And you always failure. You can't get over the wound.  You hug it like a friend,  But it won't be easy,  You will go through it painfully because your wound is too deep and doesn't dry out easily,  Like you're looking at a world of unfathomable depth and size that will never be revealed in front of you. When words really hurt someone's mentality. I don't know why she is always hard on us, whipping our lives to keep trying and not give up easily.   but when shes dealing with that person she can't even get angry.   please this is very painful for us, when we have tried our best but never b considered.

  Today is the day I realized that living with you is not easy. But I will not be selfish, because you also feel the same way.  But that way we trying to always be able to maintain our relationship from all possibilities (farewell). Until in the end, humans have a limit The limit of all things... I have endured for years preparing for all eventualities. But one thing I never prepared was that we weren't really fighting At first, we were too confident to fight for each other and keep our hope, but in the end, we weren't really ready for the final result which was farewell.

About marigolds and butterflies I have beautiful things about them They are a good combination And both of them are so beautiful  They have  little in common and have the meaning of loneliness and sadness. Marigolds meaning  Marigolds were often linked to the powerful strength of the sun and represent power, strength, and light that lives inside of a person. The marigold has also come to symbolize a feeling of despaired love . If someone has lost someone they love, whether it be by death or a broken relationship. Butterflies meaning Butterflies are deep and powerful representations of life. Butterflies are not only beautiful but also have mystery, symbolism and meaning and are a  metaphor representing spiritual rebirth, transformation, change, loneliness, hope and life . I guess right, they have a lot in common about power and sadness.  They are growing well.  they are very positive energy. Apart from that, the marigolds flower has also symbolized sadness ...

Maybe... If I have someone who cares for me At least I can relax and not feel pain anymore. Maybe we are not completely healed from the wound, even though he is the biggest reason for your happiness, it is also undeniable that he is the source of your pain. Let it go? I know it's a hard thing to do...because you feel like he's the cure for this mess.  He is the source of your laughter, the cure for your sadness and loneliness. But life still has to go on, you can't if you rely on only 'someone'. You know? people leave and that's the truth. You have to find a way to heal again, you have to get up for yourself, put your hope in yourself and that's where you really learn to love yourself, yes you.. Because it will always be you in the end, it all depends on you. 

( In the beginning when I don't want to lose him ) He's the one who always says what they do to me it doesn't matter He's the one who saved me from the slump because of being ostracized by the people around me He is the one who always talks to the reverse psychologist and Sometimes his words are complicated, but I always get his point. He always says we have to face things with an easy mind Then convenience will come Sometimes I think he is a human who has no feeling like Pain, fear and various forms of feeling. Until one day when I started to really understand it What does his heart mean? And who is how he really is That's the point where I started not wanting to lose him.

  Who are sick need a process to heal Who are falls needs a process to get up No need to force if you feel unhappy There's nothing wrong with being sad As long it's the process that makes you recover Believe me, you have a chance to trust yourself again Find or be found by someone who understands guarding the heart who Doesn't let you go just  because  for a reason   You are not in the conditions he has determined. Going and leaving is also everyone's due So, leave your feelings to the right person Someone who still has Desire to return. Everything that is meant to be together, then whatever prevents it always find a way to comeback On the other hand, something that is not meant to be together, no matter how hard you try, will never stick together.

Random describe ; I like to be alone, but I hate being lonely (Sometimes) I like rainy cs it makes me focus on myself ( Music, reading book, tea, drawing, etc. ) I'm a dreamer & ambitiusxxx  One thing! I don't like in the crowds~ I like drinking coffee in cafes sometimes but I don't like spending long time there. Like 1 or 2 hours at most is enough. Little moto ;  Make time for yourself Listen slowly music and relax  Say “NO” to something you truly do not want to do Deep conversations,  Give time for some Date ❤️ (  And there still so many things that I can't write here  ) But Sometimes the phrase "be yourself" confuses me. 4 years ago, I'm so badly wanted to know who I was.  I was convinced that I had to "find myself" soon! So I started to mirror nd I try to love myself first!  Then I left toxic people's And I look outside, I look at the people around me, people who inspired me,  looked at meaningful and inspiring work that others had do...

“ loneliness hurts, is there someone I can talk ?     Idk, why I find it very difficult to share my pain with other people, at least once I need that hug, people around me are very indifferent, I often give the signal that I'm not okay, are they just closing their eyes and ears.   but I’ll understand them bcs this world is not only about me.. “

God, If you know this problem is good for me and my life, then fix it for me,  So bless me.  And if you know this is bad for me and my life, and the consequences of my affairs both for now and in the future  then keep it away from me and keep me away from it determine what is best for me according to what is right Then please be pleased with me and make it easy for me. “.“ I don't know whether to be happy or sad about he leaving me at the end of this year. Today, he just broke my heart and left. This new year is going to start without him and I don't know if I should be glad that you left before 2018 starts or sad because 2018 will start without you. You are no longer a part of my life because I wished to start a year without bullshit. But Last year still was quite a difficult time for me, but thank for not bringing it up again. even today, it's still hard for me to breathe.

It still feels the same, this pain never goes away, my heart doesn't fully recover.  I never stop blaming myself and think everything happened because of me, because of my mistakes in the past.  Many years have passed  and right in the 2nd year I was able to make peace with myself  After I betrayed him and he betrayed me back With finally he chose to live with her.  Even though I've forgotten it, But still my heart still tightly closed, it's not that I refuse due to trauma, it's just that I can't, I don't know why.  Even though in my deep heart there is absolutely nothing that is blocking it, or let alone feelings left behind.   I don't know how badly that human hurt me to the point where I lost interest in feeling.

  We live many lives at one time. To Everything I've done, to all the people I've been with.  I am so lucky! The obstacles and difficulties I faced, made me stronger. When reality is better than imagined but expectations are make it chaos. But I'm very grateful for having come to this phase, going through everything hard makes me even more obsessed with the fact that I still have to try and keep fighting until the end. I feel very lonely even though I have family around me I don't know what kind of pain this is, for sure I feel very empty and like numb. When they fill my heart and mind, somehow I don't feel anything. Smiling, laughing like someone who is happy, but deep down I'm just stuck in  pretending.  This is too painful to keep to yourself. But I don't know the exact way to get rid of this sad feeling. It felt like I was walking on thorny asphalt. “

    What should I do ? so many dreams that I have to achieve, but why am I still here in this small town?  why am I so afraid of getting out of my comfort zone, why is it so hard to leave her alone again, but I have to move, I have to be something, I have to work to make her happy: give me a way out, time and a sense of God's spirit, I don't want everything I've done to be in vain. let's make something, let's be something! ❤️‍🔥

  Rely on the heart on your mind... In fact, what is in the mind doesn't always match what is in the heart? The heart always struggles with logic where the two are always contradictory. I tend not to think when things are complicated. Sometimes things don't go the way they want. So don't be too hard to drain yourself, sometimes it's not bad to go with your heart and go with the flow. still, we have to be careful because sometimes humans can't overcome their instincts by nature.  for that, there is no cure for stupidity.

Hi If you come into someone's life You have to do something good, give good memories, give the best you can give. We never know what the future will be like, for sure you must be aware of one thing, every meeting there must be a farewell. It's only a matter of time..  If that time came, all those moments will become a memory. And memories will always stick in the head left behind by the memories themselves. So make and leave the best version of yourself. For me, It's like a pain that's getting worse, like in my heart there is a black hole that's been closed for a long time. Maybe I'm destined to be a little broken, maybe I'm not meant to be completely healed of any form of the wound. Maybe I was meant to be tough even the storm hit me hard. My wounds are the source of my strength. And I will make the journey of life as my growth for the future, maybe until then, I can say I'm FINE.

Long ago, in my past... It is extremely hard for me to walk... Until finally you found me and stepped towards me. You made the foundation of my happiness whole again. feeling safe and comfortable that I get every second. Until the moment it all disappeared, you were the one who got me back into trouble, Again. Do I have to rely on someone again like I used to be able to make me rise again? Mmh... For the heart please recover quickly, please help me. Give me energy and power. Actually, I'm very tired. I'm tired of continuing to pretend to be strong. Because the truth is I'm not as strong a person as they say and you see. So help me to rise and become a stronger person. It felt like my world was collapsing it felt like 'no taste'. It's like I can't feel anything when they get close I am very scared. Is this what they call ''Numb"?

My pain reappears after being gone for so long. it hurts to see him happy, even though I think it's been a long time since I've recovered from that diagnosis. what exactly means (the heart) never recover properly? I've never felt this fragile. Honestly, I'm afraid that I won't be able to save myself from this pain. just like before we met, Suddenly he came to save me from my dark world, he struggled to take me away. he came with hope and a ray of light that helped me rise for a very long time. Don't ask me how I felt at that time... I'm actually very happy that someone dared to barge in to save me. The days we passed were very difficult. He fought so much for our relationship He understands me more He listens more At that time in terms of  percentage feeling , he gave more. Knowing that my subconscious is very greedy, I want to make that percentage even bigger given to me. of that great thing, I got and I felt because I was loved by someone I also started to...

rasa sakitku muncul kembali setelah sekian lama menghilang. rasa sakit muncul ketika melihat dia bahagia, padahal menurutku sudah lama sekali aku sembuh dari diagnosa itu.  apa sesungguhnya ia (hati) tidak pernah pulih dengan benar. tidak pernah aku merasakan serapuh ini.  sejujurnya aku takut tidak mampu menyelamatkan diriku dari rasa sakit ini.  sama halnya seperti dulu sebelum kami bertemu, Dengan tiba tiba ia datang menyelamatku dari duniaku yang gelap, dia berjuang membawaku pergi.  dia datang dengan harapan dan setitik cahaya yang membantuku bangkit untuk waktu yang sangat lama. Jangan tanyakan perasaanku pada saat itu... Sejatinya aku sangat bahagia ada seseorang yang berani menerobos masuk untuk menyelamatkan ku. Hari-hari yang kami lewati sangatlah sulit. Dia begitu banyak berjuang untuk hubungan kami Dia lebih banyak memahamiku Dia lebih banyak mendengarkan Pada saat itu dalam hal ‘persentase rasa’ dia yang lebih banyak memberi. Mengetahui itu alam bawah sa...