Have you ever been in a bad situation where you think you mean so much to someone but you then find out that you're just an option or their backup plan? And then you think that you dont deserve to be a second choice because you've always considered them your number one. You free your time to talk to them and they don't do the same back and you're there just disappointed thinking why? Why don't you get treated back the same? You decide that you've gotten enough, you don't deserve this. So, you change your treatment with them and they get mad and vicious. It confuses you and that's when your mind gets messed up Then they call you emotionally unstable. But it's them. They're the ones who led you to act this way because they're never clear enough!
Sorry if I look a little annoying
Just feel lonely, I miss some thing like there's something I want to do, but I don't know what it is.
I'm sorry I'm messed up, I'm just feeling alone, it's not just an excuse, I'm lonely, not really..
The right thing is I'm feeling jealous, but I don't know who is jealous of what..
I'm a mess, ever since I met you I'm screwed.
My broken heart, can't be a bit far from you..
What will happen if you are not by my side?
What will I do? What kind of mess am I going to make?
Laugh like nothing happened, Smile like everything is fine,
I love him so much.
But do I have to go through this feeling every day?
Is this a normal feeling, a normal relationship?
I don't understand anymore, can this be considered painful?
What should I do, I think it hurts, but he doesn't think so.
This is what he usually does.
In the 2nd year I started to feel great fear, I was afraid of hope, I was afraid to expect more from people.
I believe God has arranged everything, but why do I keep feeling this way, like something else, it bothers me so much.
It hurts isn't it?
🍁
There are types of broken heart that God allows to happen to shape your maturity why are you being hurt?
because your character isn't finished yet.
You will be sharpened here and there.
Hurt by several people until you finally manage to become a patient and sincere person.
Sooner or later you have to be the best version of yourself. That is to be patient and sincere.
If every time you are hurt you are angry and resentful, sharpening is considered unsuccessful.
People who will hurt you will be sent again until finally your soul is formed noble.
I like when we share and exchange information about anything
I always get new things that I have never gotten before.
argue about what we see, we read, we watch together.
fuss over little things until he always relents, with him I always be myself.
And one thing he never imagined was about our togetherness, moreover we lived it for a very long time.
he and I said we were grateful to have a relationship with each other.
Maybe they bullies because they thought she was weak,
But I thought she was weak because she was different.
Being in the minority didn't mean she didn't have many friends to back her up.
she was alone when the intruder came. But did you know? loneliness made her strong. She had time to learn about herself Instead of taking care of other people, she focuses.
She became an ocean that could silently exterminate you deep into the sea, but she didn't, then why? the ocean is a bit quiet too (mean lonely)
you see ? She just wants to spend time with all of you.
She sees the universe and think its time to disappear and she gives you plenty of time to learn, being evil until you no longer find the pleasure of being evil.
until finally you will come and swim in the ocean with her.
“Just wondering”
Actually I was born in this world for what?
what my role as a human ?
(I asked above the question when I was young, but after this incident happened to me, I finally said it again)
Am I useful to the people around me ? especially those closest to me, like family? When the person you love hurts you with bitter words. And you can only cry in silence.
Then you want to be angry but can't because she is someone you really love and respect..
How could she say such words?
Like there's no warmth in it anymore, I've tried my best to make everyone happy.
But whenever I do something, I'm never considered helpful, I'm just a troublemaker who can't handle it
(that's what she said)
Sick. It is very painful. I wish I could get out of here, but I can't. What should I do, I'm getting more and more tormented by his words, But I understand what she means
so I never get angry, it's okay for me to be treated like that
if it can calm her down. Because I love her so much so I fight my pain.
I know you're tired of dealing with unfinished problems.
Hope you always strong as usual, please pray for us to find a solution for all of this.
Come back smile, and live your day as usual, I miss seeing you smile kindly at me at us.
Every time I hear you cry, I also cry overnight , we are the same M, never show sadness in front of each other, but when we part our hearts scream naturally.
I believe God gives us problems according to our abilities..
I'm sure we can pass this test...
we change level to be great human M!
Trust in God, surrender everything because this is His will, and pray that we can deal with it as usual.
Apart from missing the warmth of this house, I also miss the warmth from you.
I'm sick of seeing you pretending to be happy.
I do really miss you
But I will not be selfish, because you also feel the same way.
But that way we trying to always be able to maintain our relationship from all possibilities (farewell).
Until in the end, humans have a limit
The limit of all things...
I have endured for years preparing for all eventualities.
But one thing I never prepared was that we weren't really fighting
At first, we were too confident to fight for each other and keep our hope, but in the end, we weren't really ready for the final result which was farewell.
About marigolds and butterflies
I have beautiful things about them
They are a good combination
And both of them are so beautiful
They have little in common and have the meaning of loneliness and sadness.
Marigolds meaning
Marigolds were often linked to the powerful strength of the sun and represent power, strength, and light that lives inside of a person. The marigold has also come to symbolize a feeling of despaired love. If someone has lost someone they love, whether it be by death or a broken relationship.
Butterflies meaning
Butterflies are deep and powerful representations of life. Butterflies are not only beautiful but also have mystery, symbolism and meaning and are a metaphor representing spiritual rebirth, transformation, change, loneliness, hope and life.
I guess right, they have a lot in common about power and sadness.
They are growing well. they are very positive energy.
Apart from that, the marigolds flower has also symbolized sadness like a butterfly who is attached to a marigolds flower like in picture.
because maybe she feels deep sadness.
Maybe...
If I have someone who cares for me
At least I can relax and not feel pain anymore.
Maybe we are not completely healed from the wound, even though he is the biggest reason for your happiness, it is also undeniable that he is the source of your pain.
Let it go?
I know it's a hard thing to do...because you feel like he's the cure for this mess.
He is the source of your laughter, the cure for your sadness and loneliness.
But life still has to go on, you can't if you rely on only 'someone'.
You know?
people leave and that's the truth.
You have to find a way to heal again, you have to get up for yourself, put your hope in yourself and that's where you really learn to love yourself, yes you..
Because it will always be you in the end, it all depends on you.
( In the beginning when I don't want to lose him )
He's the one who always says what they do to me it doesn't matter
He's the one who saved me from the slump because of being ostracized by the people around me
He is the one who always talks to the reverse psychologist and
Sometimes his words are complicated, but I always get his point.
He always says we have to face things with an easy mind
Then convenience will come
Sometimes I think he is a human who has no feeling
like Pain, fear and various forms of feeling.
Until one day when I started to really understand it
What does his heart mean?
And who is how he really is
That's the point where I started not wanting to lose him.
( And there still so many things that I can't write here )
But Sometimes the phrase "be yourself" confuses me.
4 years ago, I'm so badly wanted to know who I was.
I was convinced that I had to "find myself" soon!
So I started to mirror nd I try to love myself first!
Then I left toxic people's And I look outside, I look at the people around me, people who inspired me, looked at meaningful and inspiring work that others had done.
I learned everything, I learned about myself, About what I like and what I dont like. I learned about art. New facts is I like drawing n writing. In the end, I learned that I got excited when talking about life, death, magic, love, paradoxtical things, universe and something interesting that exist in this world.
And if you know this is bad for me and my life, and the consequences of my affairs both for now and in the future then keep it away from me and keep me away from it determine what is best for me according to what is right Then please be pleased with me and make it easy for me.
“.“
I don't know whether to be happy or sad about he leaving me at the end of this year. Today, he just broke my heart and left. This new year is going to start without him and I don't know if I should be glad that you left before 2018 starts or sad because 2018 will start without you. You are no longer a part of my life because I wished to start a year without bullshit.
But Last year still was quite a difficult time for me, but thank for not bringing it up again. even today, it's still hard for me to breathe.
I never stop blaming myself and think everything happened because of me, because of my mistakes in the past.
Many years have passed
and right in the 2nd year I was able to make peace with myself
After I betrayed him and he betrayed me back
With finally he chose to live with her.
Even though I've forgotten it, But still my heart still tightly closed, it's not that I refuse due to trauma, it's just that I can't, I don't know why.
Even though in my deep heart there is absolutely nothing that is blocking it, or let alone feelings left behind.
I don't know how badly that human hurt me to the point where I lost interest in feeling.
But
What should I do ? so many dreams that I have to achieve, but why am I still here in this small town?
why am I so afraid of getting out of my comfort zone, why is it so hard to leave her alone again, but I have to move, I have to be something, I have to work to make her happy: give me a way out, time and a sense of God's spirit, I don't want everything I've done to be in vain. let's make something, let's be something! ❤️🔥
For me, It's like a pain that's getting worse, like in my heart there is a black hole that's been closed for a long time.
Maybe I'm destined to be a little broken, maybe I'm not meant to be completely healed of any form of the wound.
Maybe I was meant to be tough even the storm hit me hard.
My wounds are the source of my strength. And I will make the journey of life as my growth for the future, maybe until then, I can say I'm FINE.
it hurts to see him happy, even though I think it's been a long time since I've recovered from that diagnosis.
what exactly means (the heart) never recover properly?
I've never felt this fragile.
Honestly, I'm afraid that I won't be able to save myself from this pain.
just like before we met, Suddenly he came to save me from my dark world, he struggled to take me away.
he came with hope and a ray of light that helped me rise for a very long time.
Don't ask me how I felt at that time...
I'm actually very happy that someone dared to barge in to save me.
The days we passed were very difficult.
He fought so much for our relationship
He understands me more
He listens more
At that time in terms of percentage feeling, he gave more.
Knowing that my subconscious is very greedy, I want to make that percentage even bigger given to me.
of that great thing, I got and I felt because I was loved by someone I also started to love.
Butterf,-
rasa sakitku muncul kembali setelah sekian lama menghilang.
rasa sakit muncul ketika melihat dia bahagia, padahal menurutku sudah lama sekali aku sembuh dari diagnosa itu.
apa sesungguhnya ia (hati) tidak pernah pulih dengan benar.
tidak pernah aku merasakan serapuh ini.
sejujurnya aku takut tidak mampu menyelamatkan diriku dari rasa sakit ini.
sama halnya seperti dulu sebelum kami bertemu, Dengan tiba tiba ia datang menyelamatku dari duniaku yang gelap, dia berjuang membawaku pergi.
dia datang dengan harapan dan setitik cahaya yang
membantuku bangkit untuk waktu yang sangat lama.
Jangan tanyakan perasaanku pada saat itu...
Sejatinya aku sangat bahagia ada seseorang yang berani menerobos
masuk untuk menyelamatkan ku.
Mengetahui itu alam bawah sadarku sangatlah tamak, aku ingin membuat persentase itu semakin besar diberikan kepadaku.
karenanya hal hebat kudapatkan dan kurasakan karena dicintai seseorang yang akupun mulai mencintainya.
Butterf,-
