🍁Last Autumn Little Butterfly 🦋

 What I just understood about love in adulthood is that when loving and letting go of a man who is not your destiny is indeed 100 times more painful than before because your adult love expects too much which in fact when loving expects something, you know it will not go well because its consumed by the hope itself.  And now I realize that hope is a lie, hope is an illusion of self that will hurt yourself in the future.  While hope doesn’t fulfill you then the wound you get.  In your adult love when destiny isn’t on your side what you have to do is let go and accept it, the pain is indeed multiplied but this time because you use more logic it will ease the pain that exists. And the bonus is you can recover quickly.   What I see now is that it turns out that women can let go sincerely when they are in the most loving state, letting go and letting the man she loves choose to pursue his dreams, even though it might be just an excuse for the man to separate from...

 

 The reason why i can fall in love this deeply with him, i fell in love with him when i didn't want to fall in love with anyone, he came back when i was in a numb phase, he was the one who brought back the feelings that had been lost and made me believe that he was the one who would always guide me in the future, but falling in love with him again was beyond my reach, i never knew this feeling would come back because of him, his love made me believe again. to the point that i asked for certainty from him i thought he and i had become us again, in fact i misinterpreted his attitude and feelings. although until now i am still confused about what happened, again i’ve to let him go for the second time, and this really made me feel nothing, the most painful pain until i lost my feelings. next i will live my life happily, while waiting for what other surprises will come for me in the future. 

 God, if it is indeed destined for me, then bring him closer, remove his fear, remove his doubts about me, remove his restlessness that he has felt all this time, calm his heart, make his body healthy, give him the happiness that he deserves, because he deserves to be happy. And after that, after he is done with himself, please bring us back together in good condition, in a condition where he is no longer afraid and has no doubts about things that have not happened in the future.  Give us the opportunity to go through it together, go through all the joys and sorrows together, I am always ready if I am with him, if he is the one.  Losing him made me realize how much I love him, but I don't want to force my will in loving him anymore, I will wait for him even until he is ready to love me again, I will wait for him in my prayers. But God, if he is indeed not destined for me, let go of the pain that I am experiencing now, losing makes me destroy all the plans that I have buil...

 I never thought losing someone again could ruin the plans that I had made so well. This incident was really beyond my reach, how could this happen, how should I continue my life. How could this plan that I had made be destroyed because of things that I never expected to happen in my life. I have to fix it immediately, I have to continue my plan well, but right now I really don't have the energy for that. I really lost my mind, and I'm stuck and can't do anything, my mind is in chaos, my days are very gloomy, everything is tightly closed my brain can't think clearly, I stopped all my plans, I turned on my emergency lights, this was an unexpected incident beyond my plan, I'm in pain, this loss destroyed everything, I will slowly rebuild my plan that has fallen apart, help me fix it, I really need you, I don't know, I can't think properly. everything is destroyed, everything has been destroyed.

 I don't know where to start tidying up everything that's broken and messy, my decision to meet him and choose him to be the last in my life turned out to be wrong, why this time my guess wasn’t right, everything became a mistake and became a regret. If only I hadn't met him at that time, then hope would never have existed, and the meeting would never have happened. I really swear this is the most painful love compared to my relationship that has ended for 5 years. Because in my relationship this time he is really a softest man with everything he does. I never had a feeling he would be bad to me, in fact it never happened, he was always sweet when he was with me. This time, What I have to do to heal my heart that has just recovered from old wounds. This is really painful, while it seems like the universe is celebrating my suffering, every day after I let you go, the rain has never stopped drop for the past few days. also for the past few days I have been waiting for news fr...

 Now I know not all relationships have to end beautifully, nor they have to end up together forever. Sometimes someone come into your life and in your story to show you what is right and what is wrong. He come to tell you what should have happened and teach you lessons for your future. He came to teach you to love yourself more. So just take the lessons from your story right now, enjoy your moments together, but when the time comes to say goodbye, and he want to go. Don’t ever hold him from leaving. Just let him go. *** Like now i’ve let you go…  Now Even though I’ve lost you, my goal now is no longer about LOVE, but I will focus on myself, fix what’s wrong, make myself better, make myself more meaningful and worthy of the love I want, I will focus on working hard and achieving my DREAMS, I will show you that I can always do it even without you by my side. And i swear you’ll regret not choosing me as the person who loves you so much. but if we have the chance to be meet again,...

   And what makes me even crazier is when I check on you and look you are still active on your social media even until 3 am, I feel like wanna screaming, I feel like getting angry and want to cursing you, but you know I'm not that kind of person and can't even do that to you. I’m just can't still believe you can make my heart broken like this, but I don't feel strange that even a softest man like you is able to do something like that to save your big fear, you’ve made me even more devastated bcs I can't make you come back and fix everything, I hate everything that happened, I still think about what are you doing and with who, you are talking to? I am jealous of the blurry things in front of me that don't even necessarily happen, I hate guessing this all, I hate missing you, I also hate that the reality is clearly not me the girl who is your goal. It really makes me feel worthless but after this I will fight tooth and nail to recover my wound, Even though I have ...

I think I really deserve your love, what exactly makes me not worthy of your love? Why don't you asking me or talk about it, so we can fix the mistake we made, or fix the way I love you, and the way you love me, if my opponent is your complicated mind and your fear of things that haven't happened of course I will lose badly. But we are here and we are meet again, shouldn't we fix what didn't go well in the past, right? Why don't we talk about it, why did all you do was give me that hope, why after everything that happened to us, you said  easily "no". really makes me look like a dump girl, I really want to scream and regret it for making the wrong decision at that time. and after everything I realize I don't really know you completely, bcs none of what I think about you is true, then if your friend says he is surprised bcs you contacted him at night and told him about our story at night. then i’m also surprised by your answer that really broke me. Why ...

  And the funny thing is i still see your last seen on WhatsApp, on your social media, i still do that shit check what are you doing, or are you okay without me. it hurts me so much because i still hope you text me even just once to ask me,  are you okay, i’m sorry for yesterday I did to you or just text me hey i miss you, i love you, i want you back and i need you till the day i die. Haha ​​i know its just my crazy fantasy. but i hope my fantasy come true. see I almost crazy because i miss you badly, like i can’t breathe well, eat well, sleep well. while i miss seeing your sleepy eyes . its crazy because i still feel your smell, my breath into your body, your hand touching mine. and i always wear your clothes because your scent still on there. the last, i hope you feel the same way i feel. even just once in your sleep i hope i am in your dream. Eh wait no, no just in dream, what i want is you back to be mine. *** But waitttttt! I don't know what I’m talking about, but what i...

 On the way to your place, you know I almost left bc I knew what would happen next if I met you. but somehow my steps continued to be directed at you hard without stopping at all, my doubts disappeared my courage peaked bc I would meet my beloved. the welcome from your sweet smile really touched my heart, the way you talk, the way you calm me down when I'm jealous, you're not a man who talks a lot, but you do a lot without me asking without me saying what I want. that night we chatted spending time until morning with light chat to heavy chat, I told you about myself and you told me about yourself, how happy that time was in my life. we drowned in time without realizing it was already 6 am, you woke up from your sleep after being tired of our conversation, and suddenly I complained that my stomach felt so nauseous, besides he felt the same way, he offered to make me tea that would relieve my nausea. a simple thing right, but I really felt his love at that time. I never thought t...

About that guy__   I like his sleepy eyes, I like his shy smile, I like the way he looks at me, that firm gaze I really like it, after the first meeting after the separation 2 years ago, my heart never let go of his shadow, why do these things keep happening to me, I always misread the situation, my guess is no longer right, when I think it's love, but not with that person. again and again I think he is never bad, what is bad is my excessive expectation that expects love from him. but I feel the vibration of his love reaching my heart but he hides it, and I don't know why he acts like that and why it is so complicated if he really loves. this hurts but makes me okay. because I have known a good way to overcome this misfortune.