🍁Last Autumn Little Butterfly 🦋

I would always have love him a bit, but he has stopped loving me.  I always have love for him, there will always be stories for us.  But it turns out that everything isn't simple, he has changed, changed a lot.  Sometimes a person changes to grow in a different ways. doesn't mean they stop loving each other.  Just have different goals.

  Sometimes I miss being the first person you look  for in the morning. and become your spirit when you starting the day. be the reason for your happiness every day. I always smile when I think back on those days. waiting for text messages from you all the time,  waiting to hear from each other. hold back the desire to meet at night. How beautiful isn’t our day? will I feel the same story when someone is not you? In fact, now everything has changed, now someone who fills my day isn’t what I want. at that time our time was so short that I felt a lack of time we had spent together. I don’t know, sometimes a little time can change a lot of things, but a long time doesn’t even change a bit. Now my time is up just to remember you.

I stayed up last night thinking what to do, Do I failed? No, but I'm sure this is just the timing is not right for my success.  It's okay. I will continue to fight till the death for myself and my mother.  I have promised to my mother and father for doing my best in the future, and she promise me will always be by my side. thank you mother for accompanying me in the joy and sorrow, wait a little longer. hold on a little longer 🌷

Sometimes loss is more self conscious and you can take a good lesson that you can learn from it. From loss we can learn to mature ourselves because by letting go you will be more aware that you mean a lot. loss teaches us many things.   I think that being alone is fine .  And it's better than you having to invest with people who aren't necessarily investing the same things as ourselves. it will only waste your time.   Because it's better for you to be alone and lonely than you are lonely when you have a partner.

My tears fell in to  universe , I could feel him pitying on my sad story. after that my mind suddenly stopped remembering the memory of our story that was so beautiful at the beginning.   You know ? I walked in the dark to find you and bring you back: but nothing over came of it. I've been waiting for you here for years while everything keeps changing and I'm here like the moon at night always illuminating all around, but myself stuck in the dark.   I realized that I had tried too long, it was time for me to find way back home. because you gone and never came back.

My mind says💭 "You have to control your emotions, or they will control you" Even though you know what your emotional control limit, you have to be able to balance it. You can drive your mind to be stronger than your emotions or you will lose yourself any time.  And after that you will lose your mind and try to understand it. Learn to always think positively and be grateful for what happen right now, because whatever it is must be for a reason. if you think negative then the result will be negative, likewise if you are positive then the result will be good.

Take the risk or you will lose your chance. sometimes there's no next time, there's no second chance, time's up!  Sometimes the opportunity is now or never. but sometimes you also need a second chance, because you are not ready for the previous chance.  It would be great if you got another chance. so don't ignore it. I know taking a chance is a very scary thing, because we don't know if we will succeed or fail.  but fear is something you have to go through more than anything, because missing out on something truly wonderful.  ( sometimes ). The result is beauty. and that is a lesson for you to share with your future descendants.

'If not you, who else?' That's what my mom always told me. until finally his advice is always embedded in my memory. alone, only yourself can make it happen, only yourself can build a kingdom like you want. you know who can give everything. only you! you are the star, you shine bright in the darkness. why do I talk like that, because I once saved myself from the darkness by changing the way I think that  'I am a star that can light you up in the night.' I built my own mind since childhood, so I always think positively first in any situation. from childhood I was a true adventurer in the dark. did i enjoy it? yes, I used to be afraid of the dark, but because I endured and I was strong,  I was finally able to conquer the dark and think of darkness as the universe , because there is so much beauty in it. so built your hope, change your view of the darkness of misfortune with a positive mind, even  you're not sure,  Just pretend until you're sure you...

One day I will tell how I can be successful like this. one day I will be a Survival Guide  for people who are struggling. one day I will tell you how to survive the storm. nothing is more beautiful when you prove that you are strong and can survive till this far. one day I will tell you how to respect yourself, and that is one way for you to heal (respect yourself). One day I will tell you that you are actually a strong human / woman, until you have no choice but to be strong. You don't know that you are the main character in your life, you are the artist. remember that. and I think our life is like a queen who always has pain in her power. because to reach something high, he has gone through many storms to reach its peak. for those who are struggling, I believe more than anything, you are on the road to success and ready to level up your life. see you on top. 

  MY LIST AND HOPE THAT WILL HAPPEN SOON, Really soon; THIS LIST WAS MADE IN 2023💬 1. ALWAYS BE GRATEFUL & PRAY 5 TIMES. 2. HEALTHY BOTH & MIND 3. SEEING PARENTS HAPPY & LONG LIFE AND FULFILLING ALL THEIR NEEDS. 4. FINANCIALLY ESTABLISHED SO THAT I CAN KEEP MY PARENTS, SISTERS, PEOPLE AROUND ME HAPPY, AND PEOPLE WHO NEED IT. 5. WANT TO BECOME AN ENTREPRENEUR IN THE BEAUTY FIELD Continuing MAMI'S DREAM, Continuing MAMI'S BUSINESS, namely TWINS BEAUTY SALON. 6. AROUND THE WORLD WITH MAMI & FAMILY (WITH HUSBAND SOON) 7. FINDING A MAN AS MY EXPECTATIONS (Am Not Perfect, but I have 'hope' ) : SOLEH❕ FINANCIALLY ESTABLISHED FAMILY FIRT, FAMILY LOVERS LIKE MY FATHER👥 ONE FREQUENCY LOVE ME LOVE ME  LOVER HIS MOTHER MUCH, ALSO MY MOTHER 💕 LOVE TRAVELING HARD WOKER DEFINITELY HANDSOME💢 ONE IMPORTANT THING 'SMELL GOOD' LOVE GIVING TO OTHER MORE DETAILS I SHOULD TALKING WITH GOD THAN WRITE HERE hha👼 ( sorry if my expectations is too much. you also have ...

I've been wondering all this time why? why does my storyline have to be like this? I always try to be grateful for what is happening with my life path. I wonder what's wrong with my concept, what's wrong with me living it. does anyone feel the same as me? I feel like I've worked hard and struggled but still have no results. I believe in your plan, even though I have made a plan whatever power all decisions are in your hands. Bismillah, I believe your destiny is far more beautiful than all the plans I have planned. InshaAllah I'm sure, everything that is beautiful will happen soon.  all beautiful things will come in my life. I'm sure time will tell everything, time will tell soon.

  Do you realize that when you demean yourself, other people will see you as a lowly person with no value, but when you are full of confidence, courage, you show your value, then people will think you are valuable, believe me, all of that is self-suggestion, make positive affirmations within yourself, the views of others depend on how you see yourself.

The roar of the waves And the gentle sound of the wind reminds me of how soft you were to me back then, how sweet its like a dream that you are in my arms.   They can only see you from the voice box or TV channel, but only I can hear the softness of your breath, feel your warm hands, your deep voice, even your heartbeat , only I can feel it.  even only for a moment we are happy for our choice, our 6 months together there is no fuss or problem at all, we were fine, bcs we always had boundaries and didn't want to know each other deeper.     but even though I can read the situation &  know you are playing the games, so I am, but we don't care & just go with the flow.  that's the key why we are happy until now.  maybe it's just the beginning,.but we really enjoyed it.

 Today I went to the beach, you know what people say, that if you really want to go to the beach it means "your pain is not a jokes" , yes it's true maybe for you it's a normal, the pain that I feel is normal And it will heal soon, but how come when I've tried to heal my pain And will soon recover, suddenly I come with a new pain.  How this keeps happening to me, my head, my heart, my soul is very noisy there will be many things that I can't finish, like I'm quiet on the beach but there's only the sound of the waves crashing inside .   My world is buzzing with words full of suffering.   How is this ? someone please help me out of this noise.  I hope this time meet the right person.

  When someone breathe so heavily,  How do I know what that means.  but no matter how heavy the burden.  I will hug you tightly! Don’t feel lonely, this earth still crowded how can you feel lonely. But  I think the loneliest people are the friendliest The saddest person has the most charming smile, bcs they don't want other people to feel the pain.  So Please don’t worry don’t be sad don’t be heavily, you have me, you still have me, now & forever.

Sometimes I wish I could disappear from the world, one question.  Have you ever want to die ?  the world looks so dark and I always cry every night making my pillow full of tears. about disappear, then is it the best way if I disappear?     I am very afraid of fake people around me, sometimes I really hate myself if I look at them in the mirror, what should I do?   My feelings don't get better quickly, I need the antidote, time is the medicine.     because as time goes by I feel much better and don't suffer anymore.   but I'm afraid if someone comes to ruin my happiness again, because pain and bitter memories, will never disappear in someone's memory. 

The  wind made this lonely night feel colder, old memories that were lost now came back to fill my mind, the memories appeared where we were feeling in love and laughing together.   The lonely night make you come to my mind till I can’t handle my feeling bcs I miss you a lot.  I know we can't possibly be together, but I will always keep those memories in a part of my beautiful memory.     when I close my eyes I see you so clearly your image makes I  miss you.  But How can this feeling suddenly come, who’s can responsibillity ? I still miss you here & you are not.

  I’ve been a friend of your dark night light, when you said you loved me very much and I was lulled by your words… Until one day you turned my sweet dreams into my nightmares, suddenly happiness turned into sadness and anger at one time.  That night you’ll took me for a walk for fresh air, I waited for you in my anxiety, I was silent in front of the mirror for hours getting ready to met my lover. But it turns out at that time you had the same promise with other girl, then finally I know that I'm not the only one, I'm just one of them;

  I'm always looking for small happiness from someone who has big happiness, am I wrong to take this path ? I need energy to survive this far: the irony is that many people closest to me don't care, but I understand they are also only busy looking for their own happiness too.

 I get the point why I was so stupid, I feel fine begging for love to have you with me, when you hurt me I say "I'm good", I forgive even though I know we won't work out.  I continue this relationship as if we were a happy couple, first you asked me to fly until in the middle of the trip you broke my wings on one side, until then I still believed in you and kept it, see how stupid I was when I loved someone.

  Words can make people broken to pieces, they can even kill people, so what a mouth can be a real danger if you don't use it properly.

 I think a sad person is a person who always tries really hard to make the people around her happy, bcs she knows what it's like to be unhappy so she does his best that no one gets hurt. I'm sure she's learned from past mistakes. But Thanks for working hard. I hope you are happy. Really happy🍁

Every time my collective feelings of insecurity arise, feelings of failure, feelings of sadness mix together.  When they have succeeded in becoming something.  I'm still here in the same place, no progress and I have nothing yet. though I'm sure I'll be something, but when? Hopefully my efforts are not in vain and soon succeed. Although in the end is All about time•

 Tired of being someone who is not considered capable of anything at home, even though the reality at work she is the best.   How can they say “what can you do? you can't do anything! " Although in the context of a joke, is it appropriate to be a joke? even though they don't know what I've done until now, is appropriate ? They don't see my efforts, they don't see my struggles, They know nothing. Then casually they say it's just a joke. 

  I know,  You know the pain when you are not trusted by the people closest to you.  That someone could be your lover, best friend or even your core family, pain is definitely painful, this is what I'm feeling rn, my heart is broken apart, maybe for them it's a trivial thing but for me it's very sensitive so very painful, especially when you think you can't do anything, just because you are the smallest among the others.

As usual I fell asleep in my favorite room reading a book while listening to songs from lana del rey, and writing down the beautiful words i got while reminiscing about the good memories:  Suddenly stunned remembering how sad I was waiting for news from him that never came.   Until I was so tired of waiting for you, after everything that happened, I was finally nicknamed the "queen of sorrow" for waiting the prince on a white horse that never came. Ya, he never came,.

  You know what made me not want to get married until now?  because the marriages around me are not like in happy ending movies, on the contrary, the marriages around me look scary… Like some are beaten to the punch but they choose to endure bcs they are bound by something, some are truly betrayed many times, they choose to stay bound bcs blood ties, some are unhappy in their marriage bcs of household rules that are often interfered with by other people and finally choose to stay for some reason.   What’s wrong with married lyfe ? why so scary?  After marriage there is no choice?  especially us women, why don't we have a choice and can't do what we want and what we usually do?  while men are free to do it, what is the true meaning of marriage?

Simply put it means everything like something you have. And a power that you've built as solid as you can.  Learn to love yourself when your day is bad.  Even though the difficult time when alone is a time of chaos, many things happen beyond our expectations, so prepare mentally strong for the Unexpected And Uncontrollable Things under our control to come.

I'm still looking for a way to get back to fixing the broken part. I always come back how can I forget the cracked part.  I keep trying, because suddenly you left me.  So that everything returns to how it was before, I tried various ways but still failed And you still gone.

Why there is meeting when there is parting, why there is love when there is hatred?  Why this world always opposite. just like we always argue about small things that shouldn't be necessary.  Why do we experience with beautiful things but end up in pain? are all relationships like this?  How can a relationship always end in regret?  Can anyone explain? is there a relationship without regrets?

  Is it just my concern? Is it my concern because I saw my friends getting married?  My worries increased even though I was not at all in the phase of wanting to get married. I don't know, everything will pass quickly.

We look at the same sky,  breathe the same air,  stand on the same earth,  then why can't we be together ? 

Bad things kept getting out of hand and things weren't going well and kept happening to us, which we finally decided to end our relationship:  to be honest I was the one who asked him to leave, bcs bad things always happen when we are together.  They say i was cursed by my ex's, then I finally believed it a bit, and maybe the ex's curse is real. and it happened in my current relationship, bcs it didn't work well. Then I CHOOSE TO leave. maybe that was just my excuse for leaving but i made it seem like it was an ex's curse.

  Why is this, what's wrong with me? things didn't go according to plan. things didn't go as expected. compared to other people my life is very difficult, although many more people difficult than me.  sorry if I complain, sorry I'm not grateful.  is there something wrong with the way i'm running it ?what should I do, suddenly everything messed up, I've come this far, should i give up (inner voice). of course not (my logic says). Now Just enjoy my time, I'm sure I can definitely up according to my expectations.

  There was a time when I thought of not getting married, but my friends, the people around me, even my family opposed my statement, what is wrong with this, what is wrong with my decision, they say i am very lonely and need a companion later: but in my opinion, compared to those who are married , I see that they are not happy with their choice, and I think my life is quite happy, for a while I am very grateful for that.

  How can there be a human who likes to make his heart flutter, in a new way. Ya thats me.  every day my curiosity is getting higher, I like awkward situations, I like the atmosphere when it gets cold and uncomfortable, I like the intimate atmosphere, it really makes my heart beat fast. I like introductions, I like flirt talk, I like intimidating stares, thrilling stuff, I love it so much.

  The night I’ll always remember, probably the same as him. we do crazy things. that atmosphere, that song, that incident I really want it again.  Listening to my favorite song and you really enjoy it, we don't know each other yet, but you say you love me by accident, you laugh then you say what crazy thing i said.  then he apologized because he knew I didn't like those words.

  That night with a warm welcome, beautiful eyes, very soft lips with his hand that slowly touched my face. encounters, coincidences, introductions and a sense of belonging to each other all mixed together: And finally we decided to get to know more deeply.  we precede desire over logic. after that, it's funny how we felt comfortable with each other in this situation, even though we knew it was a mistake in the beginning.

  It's been too long I lost myself, And now I'm starting to show again who I am with the form of the character woman I want. now when I started my part the world has responded to me in a good way. show things in a different way. in myself that I have built like now, I have gradually improved and recovered. I am improving And growing into a new things. my journey to find something real was not easy. but now my worries are gone & I have accepted the new me. it turns out that making a new character is not a bad thing. As long as this makes you comfortable then live it.

Miss ?  Ya Maybe I miss him.  Instantly her face flashed in my mind. since that day we both disappeared and forgot each other.  my heart is talking this is the right way?  but I prefer it like that. we chose to forcibly separate. until finally the feeling of missing, hurts our body and soul.

Suddenly my heart hurt a lot, in the crowd my eyes fixed on an old face that I had not seen for several years. Why? what's wrong with me? with my heart? why still hurt.

  Have you ever felt empty in a crowd? suddenly everything became blurry, gradually became gray and then everything became very dark And my ears couldn't hear anything. Everything felt destroyed instantly And my chest felt very tight, at that time in my mind, did I die?