About the fear that sometimes you can face.

''about the fear that sometimes I can't face''

There are so many fears that I fight with courage and compulsion because of a necessity, because the only one who can do it is yourself, even you yourself can't rely on the existence of others or you take advantage of them just because you are afraid of living alone. I always pretend to be brave, wherever I go I am always alone, even though honestly I have a fear that I always manage to face, but behind it all I just continue to feel the feeling of afraid and even I hope to rely on someone to be by my side and I know that impossible, then I just through that feeling with bravely. 

Sometimes I am afraid to go home at night because of my overtime. “I am afraid of heavy rain on the way home, I am afraid of the sound of rain like a storm the accompanying with the sound of thunder, on every step I always afraid, but I don't know what to do other than just rely on myself.”

When I get home I am even afraid to open the lock and enter the room because living alone isn't easy. when alone, loneliness just covers me and it feels more so blues. sometimes I just stay silent in a coffee shop just waiting for someone to pass that way because I am too afraid to go through it alone. there are many fears that you actually can't face but you are forced to face them. When I'm in the room, the silence is much more obvious than when I'm in the office, I often fall asleep with great fear and my mind wanders and stay wakes up while sleeping because there are many things I fear will happen when I fall asleep. But I don't know why fear often appears, is this a form of me being full of anxiety about things that haven't happened or is there a part of me that can't control the feelings in me properly so I don't focus on other things and only focus on fear?

I don't know I'm still looking for the cause of why this keeps happening. Sometimes I want to know why there is fear in this world, I don't know what the use is because its a challenge to make humans who are struggling to be braver in facing situations that they can't face? but actually I'm comfortable with myself like now, even now I'm very comfortable, so comfortable doing anything by myself, but sometimes fear continues to haunt me until I feel tired. 

Right now I am writing because I am afraid, I am writing this because I woke up from my sleep caused I heard the sound of heavy rain and the wind hitting my bedroom window, sometimes I comfortable with the noise caused by the rain, but tonight it feels different, I woke up remembering all kinds of fears that I have experienced so far. but I realize that in the end humans will live and die alone, I just learn to get used to it, learn to get through all kinds of fears that will happen again in the future, I just need to control myself from fear and throw it away, often I feel like I need someone to accompany me, but that will only burden each other. then all that is done is to depend on yourself, even though sometimes you need someone or your sibling or even your parent in your life, but you have to know that they have their own lives that need to be gone through, don't burden each other just because of fear. only you, only yourself can be relied on, not others. 

But actually behind that I've a huge fear and that feeling always comes, in fact I can always through it and thats makes me braver to face the things that I'm actually afraid in front of me, this fear really makes me brave and forced to be independent, but that doesn't mean I don't have fear anymore, I actually just become a better at controlling my fear, even little by little. Of course, this reason makes me want to look strong because I face situations that are never easy. But to be honest, even though the fear is always there, it means I don't have time to complain or ask for help, it really makes me independent, right? Yes, this time fear has given me a lot of things and meaning and I really face it, and I know it will always be like that until the end. 🍁