Dive into his soul-
I think I little messy about this feeling, suddenly i curious about what he feel now or in the past~ I really want to dive into himself and his head, what's in his heart, what he feels and what sometimes makes him sad. Everyone has pain, right? May I know what's in his heart, and what makes him hurt? I'm already seeing a lot of happy faces and when he smiles and laughs, he always shows his best expression, but I don't know what he's wrapping and covering behind his smile. I'm starting to get curious. Because not everyone always feels happy, right? There's a time when he experiences bad things in his life. And this time I really want to dive into him. Not just see the face he shows to the world, but deeper - the layers that he neatly covers with a smile, even though the cracks scream loudly in silence. Yes, that man is very simplify, and I like him so I really want to know inside his soul and what's in his head?
What’s on inside his head; I imagine it like, there is a dark room full of small voices, whispering continuously without a break. The voice of the past, the voice of childhood, the voice of doubt, the voice of fear that never got to be told. There are shelves full of memories, or maybe some filled with blurry photos that make his chest tight, some others are empty, because the hopes that were once placed there, turned out to slowly disappear.
I wonder what's in her heart? Your heart, perhaps, is like a silent room that was once filled with laughter, but now only echoes. You once believed, didn't you? In love, in hope, in the people around you. But how many times have you had to put back together the ruins they left behind? How many times have you had to dry your own tears in secret because you are a man who may not feel worthy of showing sadness.
Maybe he often says that he is fine. But who is really fine? Sometimes, tears don't need a sound, just a blank stare and slowly slumped shoulders.
Everyone has pain, and he... keeps it in his pocket, carrying it wherever he goes. He doesn't complain, doesn't beg to be understood. But if you are sensitive enough, you will see his eyes often look far away—as if there is something left in the past, that he has not had time to save.
Sometimes I want to know what makes him sad?
He is sad because he once loved in a deep way, but was rarely understood. I don't think he is the type to talk much, but I want to feel everything more than I should.
maybe in his adulthood he once held someone's hand with all his heart, only to realize that the hand didn’t hold back.
for me the night is the quietest, but also the most honest. That's where he really becomes himself—not a mask, not pretending to be strong. I am happy when he can tell me about his experiences and what he likes the most.
he said; I miss my childhood 'and I answered; what's wrong with your childhood story, that you miss it so much? ' and what happened to your adult story?he answered again; my childhood was nothing special, and my adulthood was just a routine that repeated every day like working, resting and going home, and I always felt lonely even when I was meeting someone.
those words really hit me, because that is what all adults feel, and they don't really live for themselves, right? hit by sadness and loneliness sometimes.~
ya he also said;
is there a world where there really is no one who is hurt? Ok! What is he really going through, i really curious about it.~
in last conversations he said; ` we need greed to live our lives`. But “I don't know what that means, but it's definitely heavy, and I'll ask him later when we meet again.”
And I hope I can fulfill and do with him what he loves, which is watching a bonfire and seeing people watching the embers with someone playing an instrument and someone else pondering it.
I have realizing that the fact is he is in a phase of loving himself, that's why he moved to a new place that he wanted. another interesting fact is I think that we are in the same phase, i also on journey escape to love myself. Its a coincidence and a new similarity that I found with him. we are both comfortable with being alone or travel alone. (maybe) I just guessed it.
So ya,..
There are so many things that I want to know about him. I will swim slowly into his soul and his heart. sometimes my mind guesses what he feels and I think about the saddest thing in his life?maybe he just wants to be understood, but is too afraid to open up. hopefully he doesn't hesitate to open up to me.
I really want to know who he really is, and i ready to be willing to sit with him in the dark. Without forcing, without asking, just accompanying him. Because not all wounds need words. Sometimes, just one presence that is truly sincere and maybe slowly he will open a small door in his heart.
And if one day he allows me to see the real him I will hold on tightly. I wont let anyone feel his wounds. because his wound isn’t to be explained to anyone. Also not to be fixed. Only to be accepted. ya, and the conclusion tonight is that even the quietest heart can still speak as long as there is someone willing to listen and sometimes the most healing thing isn’t a long advice, but a sincere hug, a warm silence, a presence that never leaves and ear that always listen's. And Ofcours I met him recently, but I don't want to pretend to know him and just write about him for the sake of my story, not at all, I just explain what I feel and I want. I tell the truth when I want to feel his heart, because his silence makes me want to know him deeper and love him well.
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