🍁Last Autumn Little Butterfly 🦋

  I started to dare tell my story. My happy stories and sad stories. I started to dare to share it for a reason, Is because of my big dream of becoming a writer. And it seems like there are so many people on this universe who have dreams but they don’t dare to start and doubt themselves. Here I want to break it. break that doubt. with the way I started to express everything I feel and I want. things I like and I don’t like. something that always scares me but I managed to handle it. things that I didn’t dare to do before, now I dare. I did all that for the sake of my dream, which I will soon make it happen. If you have read this book it means my dream has come true. and now it is your part to break the doubts that exist within you, start everything and make your dreams come true.

I don’t know why I felt calm in the dark, they said I was very odd, they said I had to be checked because they were afraid something would happen to me. and yes, I had a funny experience when I was being treated in hospital. funny thing is even the nurses said the same thing they were wondering why I am so quiet in the dark when this is a hospital and I was alone in a dark room for 16 days. until one of them kept an eye on me in case anything happened so the nurse was on standby around me. Its so funny but I’ll Thankyou so much for caring me. But What’s even more absurd, they say this is like a sign from someone will die. but that’s okay, anyone would assume like that. and yes I also don’t understand what happend with me, this feeling is indeed very calming and makes me comfortable in it. all the tiredness, wounds, pain that I experienced seemed to disappear for a while.  

A year ago I chose to be blind because I have seen what I shouldn’t have seen. I would rather go and disappear than have to face every lie you will make. You are confused about why it could be like this.  and why I’m leaving.  I don’t want to appear to be the most pathetic and weak person. After that it wasn’t difficult for me to get a replacement of you. and when you found out you thought this was a big betrayal that I made. It’s funny that you act like you’re the saddest victim. yeah that’s what I expected. Let our story end as if this was a betrayal that I did, but in fact it’s the opposite. Our story ends as it should, and it is fate that brings about. I hope someday you will read my blog. so that all your questions have been answered.

Why did you spend your time in that labyrinth. Waiting for something that is uncertain, but in this world nothing is certain? You only life once, so don't waste your life on something meaningless. Funny life. We literally spent years living it and sticking around. We do everything, live as it should. Life without knowing what will happen in the future. really this world is a mystery of life that I'm sure no one has found the answer.

 — Her eyes are filled with tears again, her wounds are never healed, she becomes not confident to seek love or to be found by love. But now she trying to live on— Closing old shit and opening new ones. I hope she will succeed on her path. Hopefully she won’t be distracted by other people’s perspectives like she used to be, I’m sure she will become focused on something she is aiming now, she will inspire those around her for having dared to fall and rise through the phases of her life🍁 [d.s]

— I remember when I was alone on my way through the forest which took about 2 hours to get through, I burst into tears because I was scared and worried at the same time. On that night I had a problem that I had to solve. I called him in the middle of the night, but with his readiness even though he is far away and we're from different countries and he said he was asleep, but he accompanied me on a night that I thought it was a nightmare that I wanted to get through as soon as possible. he comforted me in my loud cries, he comforted me with his dry jokes, thanks for everything. his love is real, his love is sincere. His kindness so pure.  Really I don't think I can repay his sincere kindness.  the fact that he gave me a long time ago that continues to surprise me. with the sweet treatment that always runs out for me. I am also comfortable with him, he is very kind, he really takes care of me when I’m with him: but there is a big wall of barriers that keeps us from being togethe...

When you make a deal with your pain, with your troubles, your failures to be turned into something that can make you at peace with yourself. sooner or later everything will be fine again, but it's only a matter of time. The best thing is that you can agree to heal from the various wounds that are stuck in your body.   Never run from your soul, run from your wounds with time. Walk with time in peace. Because time will erase and change everything, even though time is only in charge of replacing it with new wounds, at least your old wounds have been resolved one by one.

— This season teaches me to feel happy in different ways and at different times, Happiness changes— when I woke up and my eyes opened, I learned about finding happiness starting with praying and enjoying my morning with a cup of warm tea, accompanied by peace and security that you didn't realize before. when you sit down and be silent and understand everything and you see that you can be that happy and that calm in such a simple way, what a joy that is.

It's hard for me to get rid of this lack of respect, when he tries to approach me for something, why is there a man like that, under the guise of being pious, it turns out that he's not that pious, my intention is to lead Bu him to a better direction because my goal is no longer to find a lover, I'm tired, I want to hurry up coupled with the aisle, in fact many married women say, don't be too hasty, just enjoy the process, because merried isn’t the right solution for your tiredness.

 You deserve whatever you believe you will get. including the people who will love you in the future. you have the right to choose and be the chosen one, you have the right to love and be loved by someone who fights for you to the last drop of his energy. You deserve to be happy and you deserve it. You deserve to be the best of anything in this world. the point is you are always entitled to anything, that's the reason you were born into this world, because you deserve it. so be happy. enjoy the results of your struggle.

 —— You know what makes you different from the men I know in general. you are my lucky, because many times you treat me like your queen. your warm touch, your voice that is so slow when talking to me and so careful about treating me. Really all that made me fall in love with you over and over again. with a moment that I can’t explain we suddenly drifted away from each other. However, I hope you feel the same way as me, I hope we can read each other's feelings again. Here in the usual place we accidentally meet, I hope you have the guts to greet me again.

 —— Slightly continuing the story in the previous pages. I want to let you know that, My Question and My Curiosity has finally been answered. A bird gave me a newspaper, that now you are separated from that woman, even though your marriage age is only as old as corn. Evil I have, a bit of satisfaction when I hear it. 😈 It turned out that if I came back with him at that time it wasn’t the right solution to heal my wound. Turns out my decision to disappear was right and he enjoyed it this time right now. In fact, that woman didn’t last long with you. And I think your marriage relationship will exceed the time we have spent together before. It turns out it was only for a moment. But still thank you for being my complement. Even if only temporarily.

 —— Story End. Even though it was very unfair for me because he left me with new wounds, the shifty thing was that he was happy with that woman, The woman who became the source of my wound. Its really unfair. Even though I don't blame her because I'm also sure that the woman was lulled by his sweet words, the paradoxical things, the paradoxical words, Idk, what I know he can easily change that woman to be able to follow his heart and mind. What is certain that my separation this time made me blame myself because he had planted too many wounds. because as long as I'm with him what he does only makes me feel useless, keeps me away from the people closest to me, makes me have a very deep sense of insecurity. because he always says I'm ugly and talentless, only I people who want to be with you, those bitter words are always in my mind, stupidly I follow everything he says, even my friends and his friends think I'm a toxic woman for him because it keeps him away of all, ...

— Suddenly someone came to pick me up at my office. with a foreign car that I didn’t know before. turns out he in it, it feels like my world is about to collapse my foundation that I have built is instantly destroyed again. he hugged me tightly, during on the way home I was silent because somehow there wasn't a single thing that we had to discuss because I thought everything was clear the last time we met to agree to separate. when we arrived in front of my house we started talking until midnight by deliberately turning on the song we used to hear together. Then he hugged me and kissed me many times. again I let it happen because I wanted to know what his means, But at that time I really wanted it too; Then He's just the asshole I've ever known, after he hugged me and we finished talking, he said I should go home because this is his girlfriend's car, the fact he told me that now they live together. I don't know how she would feel if she found out about this. Idk, bu...

 

  —— Sometimes I'm still curious about his life now. Is he happy? Did he succeed in realizing his dreams? Is he successful in his marriage? It turns out that isn’t difficult to get information about him. Because people around him I don't know what they means, without me to asking they always randomly give me news about him. —— When I talk about him I think back a lot about the past, about how he started playing with me. When I hoped he would be my one and only last man, he wasn’t. After a long time I supported him to get up and continue to accompany him to complete his thesis. which has not been completed for a long time. finally he graduating from college, after that he started working and his career was quite good at that time. Stupidly I trusted him so much because there was nothing between us to having a secret each other's condition. Because our two families are so close and her mother loves me as much as I love her. And our family has planned for a more serious level ...

  Someone asking me why you wasted your time for 4 years, Why you like that relationship ? I answer because at that time I enjoyed it!  —We’re together and there’re no problems, and I was young, I needed to date, go out and party every friday-saturday. because I am also beautiful and I also work too, and my life isn’t about just to work. so I do what I want.

 — I don't understand what happened to us, I thought forgetting you was easy but it's not easy. too beautiful things that you give, too many sweet memories in it. This is really hard for me to go through, I don't know when I can let you go, I'm just waiting for the time. because time can erase beautiful memories.

 — Why don't you understand my way of conveying this feeling. How should I be in your mind ? and knows all I want to say.  I love you really love you, until it feels tight because I want to feel your love. Quickly find my heart, quickly feel me, quickly realize that I am here. Find me as soon as possible.

 — We just got to know each other. we are 2 stranger who trying to connect with each other. Finally we connected and contacted each other.  — But after one week I was with you, I was very shocked by your actions towards me, your actions are very excessive. You control every smallest part of my life. you makes rule for my whole body. Why ? You always try to dominate me while my body stubbornly rejects it. After a few weeks I realized this is what I don’t want, I’ve been through this before, I can’t be trapped in it anymore, only me who deserve some thing to myself, only me can to control my life. only me!

 —— Now you are your best mirror, because she will be your example in the future when you look back. so in the present and in your youth now, work hard and fight until the end so that in the future you can continue your struggle for your success with pride and happiness. Please do your best, because you’re your best mirror in the future.

 — I know how it feels when lose someone and it hurts a lot, you know all beings in this world aren’t spared from loss, so don't feel like you are the only one who feels pain.  All that disappears suddenly and you never get an inkling of them leaving. leave because of separation of love or leave because of death.  Ya as usual we can be sad but don't drag on it. you know what, the pain you have now it indicates that you are a human being on this earth. so enjoy your pain! After that go back to living your day as usual and be successful in your life. makes people who leave you will regret or happy to see you from a distance.  Because they will always take the time to see the latest news about you—

 —— No one wants to be hurt by the people around them, even less hurt by the people they love. But come back if you get that wound because it is your destiny. because fate can’t be changed. the step you have to do is you have to simplify the wound.  —— Think it is destiny in your life and you can’t change it. then be brave. because You’re the brave woman I know best. You’re  stronger than anything. You are the first person who always raises your hand to vote. and no matter how much you have fallen, you always get back up. again and again. one more You’re also a woman who has a lot of softness in you. You’re precious, You’re beautiful even after a long day at work. in any case, wherever fate takes you, hold on with everything you have, all you have is Brave, strength and softness. they are your characteristics.

 —— Change yourself not only because of your goals, not only because you get hurt. change yourself because it can make you much better in the future. live the process believe in yourself that you can. don't give up, get back up, be brave then be happy, as I always say you are always entitled to your own happiness. So keep fighting.

  You have promised to rise, then why do you want to give up? You have promised to be happy, then why are you late in sadness?  Please control yourself day by day, it's okay just take it easy and slow but sure. when your life feels heavy and your strong bones start to feel tired and you always get restless, promise me to keep going even though I'm not around.  No matter how difficult the road there will always be a way out. I promise I'm the first person who will always by your side.

Why do you always do that, just to break up with me? then you hooked up with another woman for a while, only to piss me off and come back to you. After that you asked me to come back, was all this just a jokes and games to you? Sorry for this time I’ll never come back.

 Why if hating someone feels more disgusting than when we love him? Do all people have the same perspective as me? why did the change happen to be unreasonable? How can feelings of love can change instantly to hate? can someone explain all my questions?

Like a dream in that story you're hugging me from behind while you kiss my neck. You know that part is my weakness. you are so beautiful and I am driven crazy by you.  The dream feels real—, You read the poems I wrote, while touching my face and you chuckle, you say "a lot of my stories in it, am I that bastard in your eyes? “ he asked while teasing me. hey you know I'm so grateful you came. I thought this was just a dream, it turns out to be real, thank you for coming.

Good things are always with me, including your arrival in my life, I am very lucky to have you, but you are someone who is very cold, makes me talk a lot to you, it's okay, the most important thing is now you are mine.

 You are the heart that I want, I hope you find my part in you. I always expect a lot from someone until I lose myself. I lose myself when I think about my future with someone. why I don't understand.

 This feeling just comes, should I let it run as it is? although this is the wrong way for us to start? Unexpected things always happen to me. That night our eyes met at one time, where we secretly harbored feelings for each other.

Am I going to life with someone who loves me in the future? I still haven't imagined it, can I still do what I want afterwards? Should I not change my identity? change my character and nature? what kind of companion will I get, will he be open-minded or a patriarch?  I don't know, but I hope and believe that someone is a very extraordinary person who will accompany me.

 You are the heart that I want, I hope you find me in you, I always expect a lot from someone until I lose myself. I lose myself when I think about having my future with someone. I wonder why ? I really wonder.

is there still me in your heart? have you ever felt lost? do you miss me? And do you feel my pain? Even though we've turned a new leaf, I hope you always miss me.

I want to repeat the time when I was with you, because you treated me so gantlely. well maybe you do this for all woman. But I don't care. all I know is I miss you so much rn and need your warm hug. And now you only accompany me in my every fantasy. I wonder if you there feel the same vibes as me?

I'm grateful to be me today.   I am grateful that I am still breathing.   I am grateful for still hearing my mother's voice.   I am grateful because there are so many good people around me.   I am grateful for all that I have now.   For all the kindness, I always try to be more grateful than before.

  Without you realizing it, I feel like these memories haven't gone away after everything has passed for so long. Look at this wound that you planted, it turns out to be eternal. This feeling has died, but the pain is still eternal: every second I crawl to find a way out. But nothing came of it. Now I'm just enjoying my longing that will slowly kill me without you knowing it.

She just wants to be happy, after what she's been through. I always want to make her happy without even seeing her tears fall. You're the only one I want to love for the rest of my life. In all my good and bad days, you're the only one I want to spend time with. That's what he said when he was boasting; In fact he was already dead from my life, and he was continuing his boasting with other girls. Hope your life be cursed.

 Usually I hide my feelings and emotions inside.  I hold it, I always control myself so not to make some mess.  Then finally I figure out what path I should take so I can release my emotions. until finally I found what I love is writing. By writing I can put everything into a book. Finally now I'm a little sane.

I thought all this time I was going home, which I thought it was my last place to come home to, where a sense of security and safety was born in my own home. But yesterday, When I on the way back home, suddenly I felt bad. Instantly I sighed as if ungrateful. And My heart says "I'm home, but it feels like I'm not home". This is not the situation I expected and I want. I am grateful and very very grateful to have survived and been strong until now. That's all I feel. I haven't found that "taste" in my own home yet. I don't know what to do and how I hope, all this will change over time.

I'm telling you all this because I care, it's hard to love in the present. Because I have felt deeply in love 3 times. But what I know after that I will no longer feel love like that. Today's flavors are very bland. I can easily come and go. I also don’t know what and why the reason love becomes numb like this. Repeatedly I always say and remember again sometimes " I miss being a painful love for someone " Loved so deeply, fought to the death. Ah love so hurts, hurts but I love.

I don't want to say goodbye. For a thousand reasons I don't have a reason, because I don't think you need a reason to love someone. Yes Love without reason. But after I fought for it and I'm the only one holding on. I decided to let go slowly with a soft rope that hurt my heart. Even though it feels tight after removing the rope, the wound in the aching heart slowly subsides. For everything I've been through, still thank you love for this speck of happiness.