Final Decision 🥀

Finally, this is my time, the final decision is very difficult for me to take. Even though all this time I defended and continued to defend, my defense wasn’t utilized properly. After Several times I took the opportunity, and gave you a chance, but all you did was devalue the opportunity I gave. Because you feel that I will always forgive, you feel that I will always surrender to the situation, because you feel that my essence is only a woman.

When my dream was to be with you to spend the rest of my life, but you repeatedly betrayed your sacred promise. I asked myself what was wrong with me, at first I blamed myself, maybe I as a woman still had many shortcomings, but after your next mistake, your next and your another mistakes. I was sure there was nothing wrong with me. The problem is that you always feel lacking. My sadness has passed, without me realizing it, the stab after stab that you gave me no longer hurt me at all, strangely it actually made me stronger. You always make me insecure about myself, you always put me under you and never look at my opinion properly, even though in reality, when it comes to difficult things, the only one who can find a way out is only me. For most people, marriage is something that is meant to be done together and complement each other, right? but what I experienced was only me continuing to fill in the gaps to completed. until finally one of the foundations of my leg broke and I couldn't use it properly anymore. The point is that now I am no longer afraid of the mystery of the future, who always scares me. I am no longer afraid of failure. 

I've decided. Do you know when I have decided and lifted my foot from the door of your heart. I will never once look back. everything is finished, I already believe in myself, now I am not afraid of being alone, because I have Allah SWT and I still have a family that I love. Thank you God for Your guidance which makes me confident in what You show me and that is enough for me, and I have no doubts anymore.

***

You know this is not an easy thing and a short thing that I have to make this decision. This is a journey that I have thought about for a long time and have walked limpingly until at this point I am sure I will let you go. You have wasted our opportunity, our time, you have broken that sacred promise, you have closed my heart so tightly, you have lost my trust. for now you are still smiling and forgetting me for a while, but I will forget you forever.

It's about time... Goodbye.

Suddenly I Was Stunned'

 

 

My doubts arose when you vaguely comeback to me. You wrote me a message and asked how I am doing. And he says; Hi, ‘How are you’. I accept your words so smoothly (while imagining the way you talk to me) Suddenly I was stunned. It felt like everything around me became silent, silence had come a long time ago. The universe suddenly became noisy and my heart became noisy too. How is this, immediately broke my mind. I want to reply his message, but will I lose if I reply? I don't know, at least I was in a winning position because apparently he missed me so much that he couldn't take it anymore and sent me a text message. a few hours later, he sent me another message and said, "I really want to eat something, do you have time for that, let's go to the place where you always come there usually . My mind said Likeeee What, what kind of wild thoughts came into my mind? Did they come because he was bored? Or did he really miss me? I don't know, I'm really itching to reply. But you need to know that I'm a person who never looks back.. so enjoy it. The burning curiosity, I never’ll open my kind  again, even just 'hi', never. there's no reason, I'm just not interested into your game anymore.

Grateful to be her child💐

 

Mother taught me how to fight, how to put up a strong and brave chest, she taught me to be strong since childhood, we always fought together, before that of course she fought alone from when we were young, since our father gone, all the burden shifted to her, thinking to keep her children living well, eating well, growing well, even though there were many storms that came her way, she remained strong through those attacks. I don't know what reason makes her so strong. but the question for that reason was answered when I was an adult like now, the reason was a strong feeling of love for her family, especially her children. she remained alone in making her children what they are today. sorry if sometimes I'm not always grateful for what I have... often a feeling of lack of gratitude comes, I always think about your difficult times when supporting us, so I can always remember and always be more grateful. sorry if I haven't replied and given you what you deserve, but I, we and all your children will try our best to make you happy. Sometimes I still don't understand many things, but she always teaches, explains and tells me the meaning of everything. 

Train My Senses🦢

What should I do, I'm losing my identity more and more. As time went on, I didn't know what to do. It feels like something wrong. Will I be able to be a real person, neither gray nor black? It feels like every day I lose more and more myself. This day after the rain there should be a rainbow in the afternoon which always looks beautiful, but today everything looks sad and ashes.

—What does this mean ?

That's mean I failed again in train my senses? Oh God, I did well, but always failed—

Oh, My Friends Said; They often say that I take life too seriously and don't enjoy it bcs of my old wounds that haven't dried yet. Bcs I didn't treat the wounds well. Come on, Lets Go out to find a new atmosphere, retrain your senses.

So this time I listened to them...

I started to train my senses until I met new people, I became very close to strangers, Bcs before they said I looked so dead. then what happened after this, still felt the same, my feelings never grew as beautiful as before, when I started my first and second love... now if I feels butterfly in my chest, suddenly It’ll just disappear ( Mean; Numb ) bcs ya,, My heart is empty. Don't ask me why, bcs I don't have the answer either.

Idk, how far I've stumbling in training myself, but there still no results... now I'm in my daydreams and think I'll just continue and live my life without thinking about someone in the future, Bcs in the end of my life I only survive on myself, For my self;

Life And Death

My life sometimes scares me while I'm living it.

Do everyone feel the same as me?

Often the disappointment hits endlessly. 

Can I always to be patient and always be given gratitude? What should I do ? I still continue to wondering about it. Have I found myself? Is this my true identity... but doubts keep coming to me. Where should I look for answers? During the 29 years I have lived in this world, I have continued to search for meaning.

what is the meaning of life? life gives us good and bad lessons, gives us feelings of sadness and happiness, everything is always reciprocal. like we are born to live and go to death? what happens after death? what else will there be? I've heard the term, after death there will be a new life, what kind of new life? So what dimension do we live in, and what dimension will we come to after death? My thoughts are so complicated. my friend said. 'Can you live more simply? what they mean is simplify your thoughts' they told me to just live your life, focus on your goals. So what is our goal in this life? Our goal is all towards death, right? can anyone explain? about the definition of life and death.

life and death are the same as the definition of time. they are live side by side and inseparable. we live to die. and die into a new life. like an infinite circle, right? endless circle. Then how does life end? Is reincarnation true? Even in my religion there is no reincarnation. But I still wondering.

After all, Are we born from a previous life? we are born, we repeat stories and create new stories until finally we die again.

Again, I'm complicated with my own thoughts. I don't know but I enjoyed it and I'm still looking for what I haven't found. the meaning of life and death, death and coming back to life, Fyuh! the eternity of the universe which continues to be a mystery to all creatures in this world.

Healing Is Process

Bee Sting Method🐝