Let it go ♾

Finally God gave me a quick answer.
That is my doubts about him..

Because when I doubt, I choose to not.

So far I've been trying talk to him and want to know how much he love me while I’m gone.

Anddd When I try, he really let me go, Actually he didn't try to keep me by his side. I don't know why, even though he said he love me, I think it's really just a lie.

But I was ready for this reality, bcs I didn't want to play the game. So I quit, I give up and planned to just focus on my life and my mental health.

In the end of our conversation he said “I love you”

I was very suprised to hear that, bcs he never told me even just once. And it’s priceless for me.

But why did he say “he love me” when we broke up. 

I don’t know what its means?

And once again he said

“We may not looking each other now but I hope you know you can still call me if you ever need anything” 

With all the words he said. why he so dignity for some beg, just saying I want to be with you, might be too hard for him.  

but its okay, it's all over now and before I get too deep into him,I have to let it go.

Déjà vu

Feelin’ Déjà vu when I'm with him. 

Sometime it hurts me. But I try my best for always beside him. 

And After I dared to open my heart, why ? it’s still the same.   

Am I too scared or do I always get things like this ?

I thought this was a very trivial thing, but somehow, I still felt unwanted. Bcs the way he treats me.

I always thought why I stayed but he never felt proud to have me by his side.

Maybe he thought I was exaggerating but for me this is a very deep trauma.

Please understand me.

After months of not seeing each other

Finally we met, he came to my new place.

He always comes with a sweet smile and warm hug.

I am really enjoyed to being his side, he makes me feel comfortable, but I don't know what made me think he was such a manipulative person.

So I don't know what to do if I'm near him.

 

 I know I think this way makes him look like an asshole just because of my trauma.

 Rrrhhhhh God please guide me what should I do.

PAST•

What's funny is that I burst into tears when I saw a comment on the photo he just uploaded, like going back in time and I was in it.

 And what I see is a toxic friendship, the same thing as the way he treats me, the way he talks, and I think he can manipulate well in any way, his circle and friendship, makes my chest tight.

Am I wrong to think like this and accuse him like that ?

I didn't realize tonight I cried so much.

I began to love him: but the fear continued to haunt me.

with him I like to see the past, the scope and friendship that I saw was very toxic.  I don't want to feel it again.  and I chose to give up on him.-

How to communicate•

 I don’t know what to do.

  Honestly I'm Confused.

  This always happens to me...

  Things like this make me insecure.

  feel unappreciated and unwanted.

  That's my weakness.

  I became an indifferent woman and did things like this because I went with the flow.

  And also given the obscurity in such a long time.

  I'm afraid when my love for him fades because of his treatment to me.

  I'm afraid that the longer it goes on like this, love will become just an admiration to friend.

  Why, what's wrong with us?

  From the first even until now, we never discussed about our feeling we had for each other.

  Do I doubt, we doubt?

 Or he have a traumatic relationship in past?

  At first I thought it might take his time

but now I think he doesn't want me, he's just lonely, he just needs a friend. Same like me.

  Because of my bad experiences 

Now I always do everythings in a simple way, because I don't want to get hurt.

  I just don't know how to communicate with feelings.

  Is this the right path for us?

A ROSE 🌹

I'm in trouble, My heart hurts so much, Have you ever felt unwanted...Yes now I'm feeling it, It hurts so much. 

“ Is there another way to say I love him I really love him”

 But my heart still hurts;

 My heart is so cold

 I'm not fine

 I'm in need time to alone even though I'm always alone ?

 I'm afraid to hurt him...

 I'm not sure if everything will go smoothly?

 I always know the answer is no

 My love is like a rose

 She will quickly wither in a short time no matter how hard you take care of her will still wither...

 I always hv trust issue in every relationship, I never think about it, because it will only make my head hurt and freeze even more.

Again I always wanted to just disappear even though I didn't want to, but someone kept talking in my mind and said to disappear soon, as usual...

 I don't know why this thought always comes up when I'm in a relationship.

 Actually I just want to give my love to the right person, I, with all my life experiences, choose who is the right person to get my love, bcs when I love, I will sincerely love him too much...

Own circle ♾

 Its been a long time, I’m not writing here :/

Mmm btw... My days now very tiring, sometimes I'm tired but doesn't mean I want to give up, I still have many dreams, my plans have not been achieved, I really need a support system, I need someone who accepts me as I am..

   My heart, my feelings right now are very difficult, sometimes I feel sick, lonely and need a life partner.  Sometimeee....

But if you imagine I'm not ready yet T_T, but I need to:/

   Now it seems that I am lost my way~ Like I want to find someone who can correct my direction.  

But I don't expect too much.

Maybe for now God give me fortune close to people who love me and I am very lucky because I am surrounded by people who really care and love me.

   I am, like the earth which is in the center and surrounded by eight circles which the moon, sun, stars, and the five planets mercury, venus mars jupiter and saturn are inside.

    I see, right now I can only be grateful while waiting...