🍁 Last Autumn, Little Butterfly 🦋

Why do we often need to use manipulative traits to get through life and face life's challenges?  It's interesting how manipulative traits have become such an important part of living life. Even introverts person, who may prefer solitude, may use traits of manipulative to avoid a social group. For  instance; feigning illness or exhaustion as a convenient excuse. by doing that so she chooses that way to avoid a social group which means she doesn’t want to come.  so ya that's a choice and that's a simple example of good manipulation used in daily life. For me there's nothing wrong with that strategy. It's a good way for people to set boundaries without feeling uncomfortable for individuals who find difficult way to say ‘no’ directly, this approach provides more comfortable alternative. I think manipulation is just a natural part of human being. Some people use it for bad things, while others use it in a more positive way, without hurting anyone. We’ve all see...

  Long story short '' She got pain in the past, then there is the man tried to show her what pure love really is. but after he gave everything that pure love, all the man got just was pain in the end .'' do you understand what I mean? yes, she hurt him when the man tried to fix the woman's heart. the lesson is don't ever try to fix or want to heal someone's wounds, and act like a hero who will save her from trauma. My advice is you don't ever have a relationship with someone who has just been destroyed as much as possible from a failed relationship because you will only get a disaster at the end of the relationship. when you have fixed her pain when she recovers she will just leave. believe my words, you have to a relationship with someone who just finished with her past, healed by loving herself and she is ready to open her heart to someone new, just start a relationship with a woman like that, because she is finished with her past and also finished wi...

    Sometimes I want to always discuss about pain deeply, but I'm still afraid of other people's think that say my topic is always about pain like I'm always complaining and ignoring the blessings that God has given. no is not like that. this time I want to say it in general. The pain felt by all humans around me even in all corners of the world each human has pain that they can't even express. they just enjoy it in silence and complain in the screams of prayer at night when the world isn't busy. those who feel pain often crash into that pain over and over again without mercy. they crash into their trauma over and over again and no one knows how they get through it and manage to fight the trauma .  only he and God know how it went well.   I just hope that other humans never judge or take someone's pain lightly, don't try their luck and say '' your wound is not that big, my wound is worse than yours '', ''your trauma can heal faster, ...

''about the fear that sometimes I can't face'' There are so many fears that I fight with courage and compulsion because of a necessity, because the only one who can do it is yourself, even you yourself can't rely on the existence of others or you take advantage of them just because you are afraid of living alone. I always pretend to be brave, wherever I go I am always alone, even though honestly I have a fear that I always manage to face, but behind it all I just continue to feel the feeling of afraid and even I hope to rely on someone to be by my side and I know that impossible, then I just through that feeling with bravely.  Sometimes I am afraid to go home at night because of my overtime. “ I am afraid of heavy rain on the way home, I am afraid of the sound of rain like a storm the accompanying with the sound of thunder, on every step I always afraid, but I don't know what to do other than just rely on myself .” When I get home I am even afraid to op...

Inevitably, now I have found that I've to start a relationship. start a new story, start a drama,  Start a love story, start loving but see who will win or lose in this love story. oh hi babe really I'm not ready, I'm not ready babe.  what should I do I really feel short of breath.  I have to start over something I want but I don't want to start. babe it turns out this time is not easy, this is really not easy.  today the day of the meeting arrived, but it turns out I'm being a very lousy girl,  relying more on fear than courage. so hesitant, so afraid of things that haven't happened, Always hesitant to make a move! I’m holding back, but I know I need to take the leap. but now I really feel can't calm down and breathe properly. I am brave in everything, but the problem of the f*cking love is clearly a different thing for me to go through. but... I think when I choose someone to be my lover its the fate I choose, but when I fall in love with someone I don...

  Character is very interesting to discuss, I never thought I would like writing and even reading many books at the age of 19 I just learned a lot of things from the books I bought and kept, that's why people around me said I grew up bored, but I didn't care and ignored it. I used to question that statement but now I understand I was too critical of many things especially about the character that I want to build from a young age at that time. I used to often study the many characters of people around me, but I didn't judge I just saw and assessed then stored them in my brain cells. it turns out that the adults around me who have reached the age of around 30 like my age now they have gone through a lot of things and yes they have determined what their own character will be like in the future, and I have also determined what my character I want to be like. a person who doesn't talk much but when deciding something is always straightforward and precise. being quiet and my...

  Life now very chaotic, even in my own country everything is chaos, my escape now is to easy unlike before, when night comes I feel anxiety even in my sleep, and tonight I just wake up in 2am because I feel short of breath then without thinking I immediately rush to the beach to feel the peace of the sound of the waves at night, lately I have been very afraid of being alone at night because of the dream I had a week ago, I know it is my spiritual guidance but I still denial that guidance, I cry and screams silently because afraid someone would hears it but only the waves accompany me tonight.  Life sucks, but i know nothing ever easy in this life, life’s tough but i am tougher! so I fight hard like a man, and I think I am a man in the body and soul of a woman.  I'm just an ordinary woman with all the obstacles that I always face in my life and 2024 ago, my family and I managed to overcome the obstacles that came incessantly, then I promised that after this pain over I wi...

The wind blows, the wind blows...  The sun smiles brightly, the sun is so beautiful with its orange color, today the afternoon sky is so beautiful and cool while accompanying the departure of my best friend today who will go on a long journey but she will only be gone temporarily and back soon. but ↓ Today is February 14th, its Valentine's Day! But I'm so blue and just walking on the beach, I feel blue, it doesn't mean I'm not enjoying today, but I just feel tired. It's been three days i was feel blue and maybe it's just my hormones that aren’t working well, ya of course feelings like this always come at the wrong time. Know what?! sometimes there is a time of bored when i working and want to rest and end it all, but remembering everything i have gone through isn’t easy then I’ve never been that easy to decide something carelessly and let go easily. I think a lot but honestly this is my most tired time rn.  my thoughts drift following the direction of the wind ...

I think these past few weeks I have made a big change, because a part of me has grown back like in 2019. I have been closed off for a long time because I chose to close myself off and fix what was wrong with me. The peak is that I made a big change trying something that doesn't describe me at all. Everything is far beyond my expectations and I made a change.  And I remember the words of my friend when we were on our way home from an event. He said '' why are you so naive, please don't be naive! live your life the way you want '' and yes of course I realized that, I answered from his chatter which was also true. I said '' that's right I have been too naive all this time, so I make a move now, and I get out of my comfort zone which actually makes me very uncomfortable ''. So we see from these changes a new world will be created for me again. There are so many at this age I start over again, of course I have to adapt to my lost world that has re...

Getting a warm hugs for welcoming each second meet, Idk why, I always think when someone opens their hands to reach for me it means I have been well received. but sometimes thoughts like that aren't good if they are maintained for a long time but its a natural response from the mind and I am grateful to have thoughts like that it means I am not too trusting of new people around me especially I am very selective in determining who deserves to be near me and who doesn't, but isn't that a bad trait?  I don't know for me it's okay to have a trait like that because everything that will happen to me is the result that I will get in the future and I determine it all in the present. for the better right? sometimes to choose a path like that is okay because you choose and determine the quality of your friendship and will be packaged into a simple association and accept each other's shortcomings and troubles, and it feels like its of higher quality and the connection will...

 

I was so naive, I was so naive... I let skip the beauty of his eyes,  I skipped the softness of his whisper,  I was so naive, I was so naive... I was so full of doubt, I couldn't hold it in, but I still held it in, many things made me hold his gaze, his smile, his beautiful tone of voice,  in the darkness I saw the line of his lips so soft and firm, the veins on his hands were also clear and beautiful when I accidentally touched them, he was truly my type, but many things held me back that night,  that meeting made me regret because being so naive and I lost him an instant.  someone said ' 'a naive person who has so many doubts, is the person who suffers the most loss on this earth''   and yes I suffered a great loss because I was so naive to be by his side at that time.  in another time i will try to be confidence and never let you go to another flower.

I feel like I've found a formula to overcome my lack of interest in everything, I feel like I'm not obsessed with anything is normal, but in fact people say it's a mistake, at that time I didn't care and didn't care about what they said, and I just drowned every day with my books. but after I got out of my imaginary world and tried to go out to see the world, in fact the world doesn't always exist as I read in my books. the world is so vast for me to learn, the window to the world isn't only in books, the window to the world is me diving directly into the practice of facing the world itself and yes I don't know anything about the world I live in right now. I was so naive because I felt that what I had been through a few years ago was enough and again I thought I had found the right formula for me to live, because everything I wanted I had but in this mortal world it's not just something you have, you have to meet and socialize with new people around ...

When the eyes meet holding back the desire to know each other, you said where I came from and vice versa, that scent I can't forget, your eyes with small lines that I always remember. but remembering it was just a glimpse of an incident that only people like me and him would feel that emotion, the relationship that night, if lucky it would continue until it was timeless, but as usual the incident would only end until 5 am, after that time ended everything would become a stranger, I continued my life and so would you. but somehow there was a feeling left behind, I deliberately didn't ask for your contact because for me it was impossible, we never know what will happen if it continues, you belong to someone and I always know that limit, the funny thing is that at that time it was 2 am, the bar that was so cold but felt so hot like summer because I was with you. so many feelings were held back, people say life is short if you only care about what other people say,  and if you are ...

 When i sat on the beach with my best friend, enjoying the sunset down, she said dem;   "suddenly my whole view turned into a beautiful silhouette" the truth of that word is real we are really enjoying the time now, But suddenly she cried thinking about life which is really full of roller coasters, she said finally we made it, got out of that small city and moved to a wider dimension to see the beauty of the world and the beauty of the waves this afternoon. we’re very grateful and enjoy today while saying a promise that we will be happier, more grateful and will be more successful together. we really can't wait for the results we will get with our current struggle. laughing crying together every night remembering tomorrow what beautiful things will come in our lives. this experience taught me a lot of things, our youth is repeated in the 3rd phase of our lives, different from our friends who are already busy with their household lives, But we’re starting from scratch in ...

That night the rain fell very hard and stern until made a loud rumbling sound outside my window, this atmosphere always makes me drift into it, and it feels like a sad feeling comes. is the night identical to support in the atmosphere to think about everything that hasn’t really been achieved well? many people will feel afraid when the sky gets dark, many also think that its time to rest their minds for a moment, but not with me, the night comes making the thoughts around me louder and more burdensome, I let the sound of my room bell decoration that keeps ringing when I feel peaceful when the wind moves it, but this time I feel disturbed because my mind is noisy, I think about things that I have to decide immediately.      The end of this year I close with a dream that again hasn’t achieved my goal, and the beginning of the year I open with a new page and enthusiasm to rebuild the dream.  but that question often comes out at times like tonight. will this time be the ...

    I met a new buddy. The day i saw him i was already wondering what was on his mind that he chose to drown in the darkness of the night in a coldy place. his eyes were closed but his mouth kept talking, he was full of stiffness so he wasn't good at talking, especially socially with new people around him. a brief meeting made us be friends but stiff of course, if we went out together I never spoke directly to him but if I did, everything would be so clear, maybe if I started talking to him everything would be clear, and the situation would be even more awkward. so I let the situations stay like that, still stiff and not as easy as other humans to socialize. but what I know is this stiff man will talk when he is under the influence of whiskey, when he goes through normal days and returns to reality, he will be silent again as if it was his natural instinct he can't speak at all. the funny thing is I just wrote a new character that I just met on my life journey that I just star...