To the man I always love right now🌷

Just carrying out my role to heal his wound.

 

He know I tried hard, but..

 

I can’t read ur signal,-

  I'm tired of guessing what's in your heart, sometimes I want to be someone who can change your doubts into beliefs, is there a chance for me to be given a little trust that I'm the right person for you, I love you with all my shortcomings, I love you in my simplicity, do you believe that I'm someone who deserves good love. I want to get love without having to ask for it, I want to get love without having to beg with tears. I always forcefully stop my love when I've shed tears for it, because I know that later the tears will continue to grow and complicate my life and that means everything will end badly, I'm too afraid of damage, I'm too afraid of separation when the tears have accumulated so much that they can't be stopped. I always fortify myself with belief, so tell me if you really believe in me. Don't be blurry like this, I can't read your signals well, be honest so that I understand.

A poison

 

  Such great hope when you reappeared in my darkness, after 2 years had passed and I knew you had also gone through another story, but finally you chose to come back to me, I don't know the purpose of your arrival this time. What I know this time is different, you came with a gentleness that was able to deceive me, the way you came back so smoothly made me have hope for our story that had stopped, I was just about to start and put together our story well, and fix the story that was broken. but it seems like your goal is not me, what you want is no longer me, I don't know what you want, but it seems you are so lonely, but you seem to love me so much. but it turns out your love is just a poison that will destroy me in the future. I consciously accept the poison with a warm heart and the love that I give so much. I don't know.. I can't guess the future, I can't know where time will take my heart and of course I will give it to someone who is worthy and ready to accompany me. I love you, but I don't know why I doubt it so much this second time. it feels like there are so many doubts, it feels like this second time loving you is so painful, maybe because my love grows bigger than before.

A Clown🤡

 I have to forget you, I have to go far away from you, I have to get out of your future plans. why do I want to get out bcs I don't know what my role in this story, you confuse me, how can it be that if you love someone then all you do is confuse them. loving you really hurts.

''But how can I forget you while your scent is still clearly embedded in me, how can I forget you while your voice is eternal in me.''

Your tenderness never goes away, I'm happy to be close to you, I'm happy bcs my goal is no longer obsessed to having you then I choose to stop following your game, I'm tired bcs I'm not here to entertain you, I'm here to save myself. you really confuse me when you put me on the list of future plans with your family and friends but your behavior doesn't show it, you lock me up you make me unable to make a choice, this is really confusing and makes my head hurt. when I meet night comes morning every day repeats like that it feels like this mind this feeling always changes, sometimes I don't think about the impact if I continue in your heart game and I just let out my feelings as they are. but the next day suddenly I thought what I did was just stupidity that has no cure. then thought I have to stop this stupidity. This self is indeed unstable when facing love problems. but my decision is right, what I do now is save myself from the softest man who makes me just a clown for him. 🤡

Woman Love❤️‍🩹

 What I just understood about love in adulthood is that when loving and letting go of a man who is not your destiny is indeed 100 times more painful than before because your adult love expects too much which in fact when loving expects something, you know it will not go well because its consumed by the hope itself. 

And now I realize that hope is a lie, hope is an illusion of self that will hurt yourself in the future. 

While hope doesn’t fulfill you then the wound you get. 

In your adult love when destiny isn’t on your side what you have to do is let go and accept it, the pain is indeed multiplied but this time because you use more logic it will ease the pain that exists. And the bonus is you can recover quickly. 

 What I see now is that it turns out that women can let go sincerely when they are in the most loving state, letting go and letting the man she loves choose to pursue his dreams, even though it might be just an excuse for the man to separate from her but the woman still loves him. I think that is the highest point in love. Her ambition is no longer to have him, she just wants him to be able to achieve success and all his desires and goals as he wants. Really impulsive, right? But in reality that's how women are, women will give in to their love for the sake of their man's dreams, suppressing the pain she gets while going through the healing process, she will crawl back to life to start celebrating her relationship with a new man.

A radar that I can always reach--

Saved by the light of the moon☽🌚

I WIN, Right ?

 I'm here struggling to forget him. Keeping his shadow away, throwing away the hopes that always on in my mind. Every day when I want to forget him, his shadow, memories of him and all the things I went through with him, it just keeps passing by, the more I want to hate him, the more I love him. but I will try harder to forget. Why does everything become more complicated when I want to throw away everything about him. I blame myself, did I do something wrong that made him won't be with me, the fact that he made me stay away from him. I wondering why I can't make him love me more, but then again I think I deserve a love that wants me, the universe has given me a clue that he is not the person who deserve me. All I can do now is I've to return that great effort and love for myself, not for him anymore. So now I've lost him but I found myself completely again, so in this story, I win. right?

The reason why i can fall in love this deeply

 The reason why i can fall in love this deeply with him, i fell in love with him when i didn't want to fall in love with anyone, he came back when i was in a numb phase, he was the one who brought back the feelings that had been lost and made me believe that he was the one who would always guide me in the future, but falling in love with him again was beyond my reach, i never knew this feeling would come back because of him, his love made me believe again. to the point that i asked for certainty from him i thought he and i had become us again, in fact i misinterpreted his attitude and feelings. although until now i am still confused about what happened, again i’ve to let him go for the second time, and this really made me feel nothing, the most painful pain until i lost my feelings. next i will live my life happily, while waiting for what other surprises will come for me in the future.