My stupidity but my heart really enjoys it.

 

 

Now he is silent again, silencing the voice of his heart which can never be predicted and understood by my common sense, my logic is looking for the right way to be able to speak to your heart which is so complicated, your mind which is so difficult. I don't know where else I look to chase your love that I can't reach, like the footsteps I follow and when I land I will never be able to merge with your shadow. As if we were never together, you just passed by like the wind. I don't know what method to use to restore my heart which is no longer whole, it's so painful to live my own story without you. Will this pain continue to accompany my dark path? Will you meet me again after your long adventure? it's really confusing and makes me in pain, again love traumatizes me to no end, so what kind of love will I get in the future? I always wait for happiness to come in my darkness that never goes away, but once again I still hope for its presence without time limits. stupid right? yes, but I think it's love that I feel, my logic knows my stupidity but my heart really enjoys it.

His thought are so difficult to understand...

 

 For the current situation, I just surrender to God for what will happen next in my life. After a long adventure he finally decided to go home. I also don't understand much of what he says, the contents of his thoughts are so difficult for me to understand, right now I prefer not to know what's in his heart, because I feel very tired of following his instincts which are very slow, that I can't keep up with him, to a man of mature age like him. , is he just pretending to be insensitive and pretending to be stupid? I really want to know that, so that I can take a stand about what I should do after finding out whether he really loves me or not. then tell me the truth so that I don't get confused at this time. but again I discovered something new in him, I thought he was a man who could adapt quickly, in fact after we had been together for a whole year he still needed a little time to get to know me and understand my feelings. I mean, what the hell is this? this is no longer the time for such things. until it feels like I'm the only one who always guesses everything about his feelings. Now I just let time pass by, let it go along with time which is increasingly bound after our separation some time ago, but my heart always has a limit of patience, I will just wait a little longer than usual and after this I will take enough time to take a stand about how he feels about me. because I don't want to waste my time on the wrong person again.

After 2 year ago… A questions already answered▫️

 Tonight the moon appeared perfectly round accompanied by your presence again after 2 years of being away, but I just think that he remembered the way home, for real he didn't forget. but after he traveled for 2 years 708 days, 17,520 hours, 1,051,200 minutes and 63,072,000 seconds. Why does he look back at me as if he wants to go back? I thought, have you not found the exact woman you want? I don't know after this short meeting tonight. there are so many questions that I haven't asked after I didn't get the chance to ask him before. but the answer to my longing was paid off tonight, with your presence even if only for a moment.

question 2 years ago finally found the answer. It's really evil, I think he's a jerk who is just playing with my feelings without knowing that there is something actually bothering him, there is anxiety that he is hiding. After that night I realized that something was wrong with him, everything was going so slowly following the flow according to his instincts, while my instincts were going too fast so he was left behind me. What I think I assume was very simple, the fact that never as simple as he think. he was so far behind me, he just disappeared. I think he was too mean, in fact he lost his way at that moment. even though I didn't know what the purpose and purpose of his departure was, he should have told me so that no one's heart would be hurt at that time. even though in the end we were both hurt and tried to heal each other's our wounds. but I still don't understand what's in his heart, things that are still difficult for me to guess. what is certain is, that tonight after many years I  really can fall asleep with smiling.

Happy Wound & Most Impressive Lovę

  

  It all started when you wanted to be with me, when you wanted to get to know me again, you just kept trying to win my heart, but I always gave you disappointment. But As time goes by, your persistent heart finally melts me with your tenderness. you are so sweet, so considerate of me. and I don't think there was a single feeling of disappointment when I was with you. You always give a good impression, you always make me happy. but I don't know what makes me so doubtful of you, of your love. even though it's real you're a good man who is so gentle. and finally I looked for the root of my doubts, the root of the problem.

Then I found out, it turns out it all started when we first met which made me so doubtful about life after marriage. It started when you brought someone you shouldn't have introduced to me and I shouldn't have known about it. And how can you very calmly to introduce her to me. Because that made me think again about which decision I should take. Put up with you or leave without explanation. But from any point of view, this method really doesn't make sense and is childish, isn't it? so what should I do? It really shook me up, and during the 1 year we were together it kept bothering me. 

But suddenly the situation changed and passed so quickly, until finally we reached the situation where he wanted me to meet his parents (previously our parents already knew each other, and we were close relatives) but in this situation it was really different, he wanted me to get to knows better his family. It felt so confusing, I was very doubtful and uncertain. I was so afraid he would do the same thing like his other siblings did. I know I was stupid at that time, but this really bothered me until I finally chose to go and leave him. I know this is really childish, but my fear conquered everything, I became afraid of being tied to him, afraid of being in his family's fairy tale and getting a sad story. Sorry if at that time I was so afraid of all my bad thoughts because all came to mind was just a fear.

I know I have disappointed him, but until the end he continued to be gentle. Naive when I said he was so different from other men. But in fact he was a real different, he was the best in terms of his kindness, really at that time I loved him. But logic means I can never be with him. From what I remember, our last conversation was, "Maybe we are no longer together, but when you need me, I will always be there for you." Those words really broke me. Until the end, this gentle man never disappointed me. Even though our connection only existed for 1 year, I still feel regret and sadness to this day. I do love him, but for us to be together forever is something that will never happen.

They said, "Why are you so stubborn like this, even though you really love him?" To be honest, in my relationship this time it was the simplest but most impressive love, a happy wound that I have ever felt in my life. But this time, even though I really love him, Now I really rely on my logic so that I don't fall into the same mistakes again as before.

In my current case, I already know the feeling of being betrayed by someone I love because it hurts so much till I want to die. Therefore, I just took precautions so that the betrayal would never occur.

I really hate fighting, I hate being wasted, I hate feeling like I have no value in front of someone I love, I hate begging, and I hate the process of self-healing. 

And I have avoided all of that from the first so that all hearts can be saved from the poison of betrayal. I know I'm really selfish, but I just want us to be okay, I want none of us to be destroyed. That's my only wish and only this way will make my heart and yours be protected from pain. Sometimes its better for painful things to happen and be felt at the beginning, because afterward the hope is that there will only be happiness that will accompany our life's journey into the future.

Goodbye Loveê!

Why did you make me the worst girl in this story. In fact, in your tenderness, you are the one who gives more lies to our relationship. You always play with your gentle character, you always play pretty behind my back. I was stupid for always trusting you. 

Without realizing it, I cried after finding out how you really were, all this time I was deceived by your gentleness. I really hate betrayal and you know it. What I regret is why this is always in the circle of my life. Did you know that this pen always accompanies me in any situation, from when I wrote back the story about our meeting and about your soft heart, to when I started to find out about the betrayal you gave me. This pen is a witness to my life, in fact, life with you isn't always easy, that fate has taken me away. I still have a long way to go to be with someone like you. I am well aware that this is no longer my time, I try to accept that you no longer love me but still I have to thank you, for me you are still my soulmate. The meaning is a soul mate in life lessons, a soul mate in goodness before all this betrayal happened.

 

I still remember the first time you started greeting me back. After our childhood friendship was lost, you found me again after we grew up. I still remember the first time you held my hand while you were driving and wouldn't let go of your grip. when people fall in love it's so cute isn't it? and yes, I still remember how the first time you wanted to kiss my forehead and you gently asked my permission for that.

For the little things you always do randomly, I remember the most beautiful part of our story. 

Because you are my childhood friend, I accept and forgive what is happening now, even though there will no longer be a beautiful friendship like before and I choose to disappear from your life, but I want us end it with a beautiful goodbye without more tears in it. . Well, today tonight as the moon shines on our dark hearts and the rain accompanies the tears of separation, our relationship has ended peacefully and you will disappear from my heart peacefully. Goodbye Love.

At That Night With Great Mother---

 When night fell accompanied by the sound of raindrops, without realizing it, my tears were falling, so I started crying because this was the right time to disguise all the sounds of my tears.

In a dark corner of the room I deliberately turned it off, because I was busy crying and my painful sadness suddenly attacked me. In the silence of the night at that time, mom suddenly came into my very dark room, she was a little aware that I was hiding something, then she was about to come back out. but after that she occasionally returned to my room, coming and going to see my condition, which I am sure felt a gentle pang in his heart. 

I was so amazed at how strong a every mom's feelings were and without me telling her, she knew that I wasn't doing well. 

Without asking, with mother's soft and calm footsteps, she returned to my room carrying a glass containing a cup of my favorite tea. Then she came back without saying anything she just smiled and stroked my shoulder until her shadow disappeared in the small light as my bedroom door opened. While crying I said, “I love her so much.” Mother is so calm, she always understands my situation, she gives me time to calm my sadness. Thank you mom, thank you for everything, I am truly lucky to be in your arms.

Thank You...

Thank you for the love you give.

Thank you for all you have done.

Without you I am nothing.

Thank you for continuing to shape me into a strong person.

Taught me how to simplify all forms of love, even pain. She also taught me to always be a wise woman in making decisions.

Thank you for teaching me to be more logical, adapting to the passage of time that is so difficult to understand, teaching me to be smarter in any situation. 

She is the real TEACHER in my tiring life. I have nothing more to complain about, just being blessed to have been born to someone so wise and great, I am very happy, very lucky.

Thank you mom. In my opinion, gratitude alone isn't enough to repay my gratitude for being with you. I cannot express my gratitude other than to you and to God who created us.

To be sought or found?

For me, happiness is not to be sought or found but to be felt, owned and grateful for yourself. My experience  to find happiness, the more I looking for happiness, the greater the suffering I get. The more I obsessed with happiness the sadder I felt. The more I wait for happiness to come, the more I am swayed by circumstances and hesitate in living life every day and of course the further I am from being happy, I am exhausted, I am in pain, I want to be happy but I never find it even though I have tried hard to find it but still can't find the answer. 

 

As time goes by I throw away that hope, I become more sincere in living this life, I am grateful for what I have now, I live my day with full of smile, I am no longer obsesses looking for happiness, after this what I get is real happiness, it turns out the answer is Happiness comes from living with the simplicity that I live every day. and now when I wake up in the morning my chest is no longer tight, the morning dew no longer torments me in confusion looking for direction and purpose where I will look for today. I no longer lose direction, no longer lose myself. It turns out that we always create happiness, because we own the feeling, we know where it will take us. We choose to find happiness or be left alone with sadness. and we who must create the dynamics. Not other humans, but ourselves.

ThankYou; To Another Version Of You That I Can't Reach!

 It hurts to have feelings like this, I'm tired, because I feel a type of pain that I don't recognize, the exact cause of which I don't know: right now I want to give up but your words actually make me peaceful, make me want to fight even more, when I want to give up you save me I. and I want to be a beautiful writer like you who really inspires and even motivates people around you. Even though I don't know what things you have gone through difficultly, you have gone through it well, and you have managed to heal many wounds, save many souls with your beautiful words, your words of peace.

About Me; I don't know why this feeling of pain exists, to be honest, maybe it's because I don't know where fate will take me or what kind of person I will become. and I haven't found the answer until now. On the other side, once again you saved my life. Thank you, but how surprised I was, even just a word can makes a person fall in love, it's really scary, isn't? but don't worry, I won't be obsessed just because you are good at writing beautiful words. I won't fall in love just because you're good at telling everything. I will always admire you as just a friend in your books. and don't worry, I've given up on my love story a bit, so I don't go overdo when it comes to admiring someone xx because I think just reading your beautiful books is my way of communicating with another version of you that I can't reach.

Zero

 The day when other humans have reached their peak, but I have to go back from zero to start everything, Start a new page with all the possibilities that will happen in front of it that I never knew about and will always be a mystery until the end. Honestly, I'm very tired, when I woke up again in 2024 every day until now I still say ''I'm tired, I'm tired I'm so tired'' I have to go back and start everything again, I'm confused and don't know where to start. but I'm sure this is the test of my life, this is the part I have to go through. I'm sure fate will take me on a better path after this. 

 

 

But I always have questions. Will good things come to my life? be on my side? Will my patience will pay off? But once again, I always believe that my destiny will always lead me to good things, but it's just that the process is a bit slow. Many times I healed my chaotic thoughts with words that always reconciled me because that way I remained sane from time to time.

Issue Of Self Healing

About Beautiful A Little Girl [ uncontrollable emotions ]