I’m not angry, I just won’t be selfish.

 

You know until now I'm not angry and don't hate your actions at that time, now I just live my life as usual, even though this time it was really a heavy loss for me, bcs I had to fight alone to forget you and I actually didn't want to do it. but I won’t be selfish, I try to forget what happened and accept the fact that everything is over. I was never angry with the decisions you made or I made, I was just disappointed why it seemed like I always deserved to feel pain, did I not deserve the love I wanted ? when I was ready with all the circumstances that would happen in the future and I wanted to live it with you, luck wasn’t on my side, after that day on the way home I was so happy because yes I would start a new story with the person I love. but circumstances said otherwise fate turned me back into the saddest person right now. I regret it again and again blaming myself for what happened. I don't hate him, on the contrary I hate myself and always question my worthiness. Honestly, I have no way out of this, I'm just trying to rise from the unworthiness that I have, and I will find a way to rise again as before, while hoping that on my journey to the future, I will found someone who will pull me out of the darkness again.

***

In my loss right now, I'm not angry, nor disappointed, I just don't want to act selfishly like usual. bcs if I stay by your side and accept all these circumstances as usual, I will become someone who is evil and never wants to let you go, as if I am tying you in shackles, so in my loss right now I want to act using my common sense, think before actions and use my logic. so that everything goes well, so that everything is handled well. so that no heart is truly broken from this separation, I'm sure you have gone through it well, I also know you are fine, so what I do must be the same as you, yes I can also be fine like you. 

I’ll do it slowly fading and dissapearing•

 

My heart is broken - so broken that it will never be whole again. this is too painful, i just realized how meaningless i am in his life, even with the person i consider important, i am just a small part in his life and even if i leave, he will still be fine. i realized because all this time i misinterpreted his love for me, I always thought it was love, because whatever form of love i wanted, he always gave it. but in the end i knew that all of that never meant anything to him, and he never loved me. God after this, please win my story, I even want to be the goal of someone I love. i think some losses yesterday were enough to be valuable lessons for me, then after this gave me what i deserved God, i am so scared that i doubt my worth because of yesterday's incident. i will close this story even though for me this story never started, but i’ll started it sincerely and lived it meaningfully. and finally i will erase you from my good plans. let's go through this separation well and properly, no need to run fast, i’ll do it by slowly fading and disappearing.

***

"let go, accept it, and finish it", at least we know when to stop and be aware of ourselves, that there are things that can’t be forced, my peace now is to forget the pain, then recover quickly. then go back to life as if nothing happened, because strangers will always be the end of the story in an introduction. 

To Well...

 

I found myself who hasn't yet found what my heart really needs, who knows where the footsteps of this heart will actually go? I hope for him because I love him so much or I just feel lonely ? On the one hand, the people around me are worried that if I am alone for too long, I will have to awaken my long-dead love cells. My confusion gets worse when things frustrate me and don't go according to my plan. but this time I surrendered and entrusted my destiny to God, and yes my destiny must have been made by God, but I am still waiting for his decision, what will it be like? and how much longer will I wait for things that are still a mystery in my life's journey. God, how long do I have to patiently wait for my part? How long do I have to accept that my time is not now, sorry if this is the only instant answer I get, but I think I have fought very hard to get to the present stage. but if you think I haven't, I will wait, but make my wait a very beautiful wait, I really hope for that.